I had a great time with my family. It was relaxing (after the wedding of course), and one more hurdle that I was able to get over. Jared and I had planned to go back and visit my family this Christmas. He wanted to see what a Hird family Christmas was like. I was not looking forward to going back without him, but it turned out to be just fine.
The last two trips that I have taken to Kentucky I had a difficult time when I remembered that I was coming home to an empty house. This time was different, I'm beginning to get used to the fact that it is just me now. Today I was ok with coming home and I didn't get pitiful about it. I don't know why it was different this time, but I'm grateful that it happened that way.
My grace is sufficient for you, and My power is made perfect in weakness. II Cor. 12:9.
2009 is almost over and I am so looking forward to a new year and what God has in store for me! I figure it can only go up from this past year! :)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wisconsin
I made it back to Wisconsin....finally. The travels were interesting. Delays and snow had us beginning to think that we would spend the night in Houston. Thankfully we were able to get to Chicago and the roads were good enough to get to my parent's house at 2am.
We befriended the flight attendants while we were sitting in the airport. I would recommend doing that anytime you are delayed. We were able to get the inside scoop on whether or not we were going to get out, and when we finally did board, they asked us if we wanted to move to an empty row that was available, and we got asked what we wanted to drink sooner than when the cart was going to get to us. I think that they felt sorry for me (us). While delayed we were discussing the wedding etc. and they asked us why are husbands weren't with us. Katherine responded that her husband was working and kinda talked about that for a few seconds, but that didn't deter them to ask me where mine was. The poor girl's look on her face when I responded that my husband was in heaven. Wasn't the response that she was expecting! They were so nice about it though, and although tears came to my eyes having to say that, I didn't lose it. Thank goodness!
Wedding. It was great to spend a little time with Ruthanne prior to her wedding. Not as much as I would have liked, but I couldn't begrudge her her honeymoon! I'm sure her husband wouldn't have gone for that anyway! :)
This was one day that I dreaded prior to the date and this one I was right about. My emotions did get the better of me during the ceremony, and afterward. Getting four hours of sleep the night before didn't help either! I'm always more emotional when I haven't had enough sleep. The message was really good, but hard to listen to. The pastor talked about the husband and wife's role in a marriage. The primary role for both of them being to help to sanctify each other, preparing one another for the day when they stand before the Lord on judgment day. All the heaven talk, and listening the vows of "in sickness and in health, until death do you part" was difficult. But like my mom said, I made it through it, and it is one more "first" down! I also saw relatives and people that I hadn't seen since my wedding that were extremely kind and supportive. Didn't help with the tears though. :) I am so happy for my sister and our new bro, and I am glad I was there to see the wedding. My sister was gorgeous (as usual, I don't think she's ever had a "bad look" a day in her life) and they both were beaming. I pray they have a long and happy life together! I just hope I didn't dampen their day! I tried to hold it together, but sometimes I can't control it. I'm getting better everyday though! This weekend was just one more step in this journey.
I'm enjoying the time with the family, just hanging out today and staying inside! It is cold outside, high of 27 predicted today. The snow is beautiful, especially yesterday when the trees were all frosted over and were completely white. Wisconsin is such a pretty place.
We befriended the flight attendants while we were sitting in the airport. I would recommend doing that anytime you are delayed. We were able to get the inside scoop on whether or not we were going to get out, and when we finally did board, they asked us if we wanted to move to an empty row that was available, and we got asked what we wanted to drink sooner than when the cart was going to get to us. I think that they felt sorry for me (us). While delayed we were discussing the wedding etc. and they asked us why are husbands weren't with us. Katherine responded that her husband was working and kinda talked about that for a few seconds, but that didn't deter them to ask me where mine was. The poor girl's look on her face when I responded that my husband was in heaven. Wasn't the response that she was expecting! They were so nice about it though, and although tears came to my eyes having to say that, I didn't lose it. Thank goodness!
Wedding. It was great to spend a little time with Ruthanne prior to her wedding. Not as much as I would have liked, but I couldn't begrudge her her honeymoon! I'm sure her husband wouldn't have gone for that anyway! :)
This was one day that I dreaded prior to the date and this one I was right about. My emotions did get the better of me during the ceremony, and afterward. Getting four hours of sleep the night before didn't help either! I'm always more emotional when I haven't had enough sleep. The message was really good, but hard to listen to. The pastor talked about the husband and wife's role in a marriage. The primary role for both of them being to help to sanctify each other, preparing one another for the day when they stand before the Lord on judgment day. All the heaven talk, and listening the vows of "in sickness and in health, until death do you part" was difficult. But like my mom said, I made it through it, and it is one more "first" down! I also saw relatives and people that I hadn't seen since my wedding that were extremely kind and supportive. Didn't help with the tears though. :) I am so happy for my sister and our new bro, and I am glad I was there to see the wedding. My sister was gorgeous (as usual, I don't think she's ever had a "bad look" a day in her life) and they both were beaming. I pray they have a long and happy life together! I just hope I didn't dampen their day! I tried to hold it together, but sometimes I can't control it. I'm getting better everyday though! This weekend was just one more step in this journey.
I'm enjoying the time with the family, just hanging out today and staying inside! It is cold outside, high of 27 predicted today. The snow is beautiful, especially yesterday when the trees were all frosted over and were completely white. Wisconsin is such a pretty place.
Friday, December 25, 2009
It's a Wonderful Life
Today was the day I got engaged last year. Wow, what a year. Like I said in the previous post that the days leading up to a "special" day are usually worse than the day. It held true again. I really expected this to be an awful day. My prayer this morning was that God would just give me the strength to get through the day. He did more than that, He gave me joy in this day.
I spent the day with the Taylor/Reed family in Lubbock. They were all so wonderful, making me feel so at home. I laughed a lot, ate lots of food, and just had a good day. So for that, I thank them immensely.
Yesterday I went to breakfast with some friends of mine and the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" was mentioned. It has always been one of my favorite Christmas movies. I like the part when George was able to see what the world would have been like without him. It made me consider what would this world been like without Jared. He touched so many people with his life (I am still hearing from people that I don't even know). His actions spoke louder than words, a quiet giant. I showed the dvd of Jared's service to some friends of mine a few months back. Afterwards, one of them told me this "I hope that when I die people say half as nice things bout me as they did bout him". I ditto that! I know my life wouldn't be the same if he had never been a part of my life. My life was forever changed a year ago on this day. I thank God for allowing me the privilege of knowing and loving Jared, even if it makes days like this a little harder than they used to be! It was so worth it!
What changed my life even more than Jared was Christ, coming to this earth as a baby, saving His people from their sins! For that I am extremely grateful. What if Christ had never come to this earth, what would our lives be like, what would we even have to live for? He is the reason that I don't have to worry about the future because He directs my steps and He knows the plans He has for me. Jer. 29:11 What a comfort that verse has been to me, because I know that He's got some great ones out there for me!
Hope you all had a blessed Christmas!
I spent the day with the Taylor/Reed family in Lubbock. They were all so wonderful, making me feel so at home. I laughed a lot, ate lots of food, and just had a good day. So for that, I thank them immensely.
Yesterday I went to breakfast with some friends of mine and the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" was mentioned. It has always been one of my favorite Christmas movies. I like the part when George was able to see what the world would have been like without him. It made me consider what would this world been like without Jared. He touched so many people with his life (I am still hearing from people that I don't even know). His actions spoke louder than words, a quiet giant. I showed the dvd of Jared's service to some friends of mine a few months back. Afterwards, one of them told me this "I hope that when I die people say half as nice things bout me as they did bout him". I ditto that! I know my life wouldn't be the same if he had never been a part of my life. My life was forever changed a year ago on this day. I thank God for allowing me the privilege of knowing and loving Jared, even if it makes days like this a little harder than they used to be! It was so worth it!
What changed my life even more than Jared was Christ, coming to this earth as a baby, saving His people from their sins! For that I am extremely grateful. What if Christ had never come to this earth, what would our lives be like, what would we even have to live for? He is the reason that I don't have to worry about the future because He directs my steps and He knows the plans He has for me. Jer. 29:11 What a comfort that verse has been to me, because I know that He's got some great ones out there for me!
Hope you all had a blessed Christmas!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Choices
I am listening to the song "Jesus Calling" by 33 Miles. I don't think that I've mentioned this one before, but if I have, oh well. About three weeks after I came back from Dallas, 33 Miles sang at the church that I attend. The lead singer had me crying very quickly when he asked if anyone felt like their life was falling apart. He then mentioned that he had lost two of his grandparents this past spring, and he really missed them. Then he asked if we realized how short life was. My response in my head was, of course I do, duh. The group then proceeded to sing the following two songs. Jesus Calling and One Life to Love. Like I said though, I'm listening to "Jesus Calling". I heard a line in the song that I don't remember hearing before, and believe me, I've listened to this song lots! "And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice". How true is that. I could look at my circumstance and complain about how awful it is, or I can look at my circumstance and remember that God has a plan in all of this. It is my choice.
It is also my choice as to whether or not I have a good Christmas. I usually spend a few days prior to a certain "special" day worried about how I will handle that day. What I have found is that the actual day is far better than the days leading up to it. Go figure. But, that's what I have done once again this week. The thing is is that no matter how you slice it, Christmas will be difficult, but I am going to try my hardest to choose to enjoy it. I need to focus on what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown. Not focusing on who I lost this year but remembering that without Christ we are nothing. Without Jesus coming as a baby and then going to the cross to save sinners, I wouldn't know for certain that I will see Jared in heaven again. But I can rejoice that I will see Jared again because God saw fit to send His son as a baby to a young woman named Mary. She accepted God's will for her life without question and I should do the same. This was her response found in Luke 1:46-55, the Magnificat:
46 And Mary said:
"My soul exalts the Lord,
47 And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior."
48"For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave;
For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed.
49"For the Mighty One has done great things for me;
And holy is His name.
50"AND HIS MERCY IS UPON GENERATION AFTER GENERATION
TOWARD THOSE WHO FEAR HIM.
51"He has done mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who were proud in the thoughts of their heart.
52"He has brought down rulers from their thrones,
And has exalted those who were humble.
53"HE HAS FILLED THE HUNGRY WITH GOOD THINGS;
And sent away the rich empty-handed.
54"He has given help to Israel His servant,
In remembrance of His mercy,
55 As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and his descendants forever."
I like verse 49, For the Mighty One has done great things for ME!
If I don't post again until after Christmas, I'll cover my bases now and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
Love,
Beth
It is also my choice as to whether or not I have a good Christmas. I usually spend a few days prior to a certain "special" day worried about how I will handle that day. What I have found is that the actual day is far better than the days leading up to it. Go figure. But, that's what I have done once again this week. The thing is is that no matter how you slice it, Christmas will be difficult, but I am going to try my hardest to choose to enjoy it. I need to focus on what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown. Not focusing on who I lost this year but remembering that without Christ we are nothing. Without Jesus coming as a baby and then going to the cross to save sinners, I wouldn't know for certain that I will see Jared in heaven again. But I can rejoice that I will see Jared again because God saw fit to send His son as a baby to a young woman named Mary. She accepted God's will for her life without question and I should do the same. This was her response found in Luke 1:46-55, the Magnificat:
46 And Mary said:
"My soul exalts the Lord,
47 And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior."
48"For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave;
For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed.
49"For the Mighty One has done great things for me;
And holy is His name.
50"AND HIS MERCY IS UPON GENERATION AFTER GENERATION
TOWARD THOSE WHO FEAR HIM.
51"He has done mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who were proud in the thoughts of their heart.
52"He has brought down rulers from their thrones,
And has exalted those who were humble.
53"HE HAS FILLED THE HUNGRY WITH GOOD THINGS;
And sent away the rich empty-handed.
54"He has given help to Israel His servant,
In remembrance of His mercy,
55 As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and his descendants forever."
I like verse 49, For the Mighty One has done great things for ME!
If I don't post again until after Christmas, I'll cover my bases now and wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
Love,
Beth
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Faith
I'm not sure why I have become so reflective this week. I usually write when I'm not doing very good or I just need to vent. That has not been the case this week. I've used this site as more of a journal this week. I don't usually journal, I said I was going to start when Jared passed away, but I'm too lazy. So for those of you who read this, this is my only journal, my ramblings, that I will some day look back on.
Today I picked up a book that someone made for me. It is book of all the posts that were written on Caringbridge, the ones that were written by me (mostly) and the ones that were written to us by family and friends. It was such a wonderful gift! On July 16th, many of you wrote posts expressing your sympathy. I did read them at the time, but I know my mind wasn't really in it and I didn't read them very carefully. I tried a couple of months ago to pick it up, but after reading a few entries, I had to put it down. For some reason I picked it up today. Mind you I still cried when I read it, but primarily it was a reminder of the amazing outpouring of love for us. You all have been wonderful! I came across one post that I don't remember, but is so fitting for what I've been thinking about this week. A poem written by Ellen Cuomo:
Faith is risking what is for what is yet to be.
It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones.
Faith is holding on when you want to let go.
It is letting go when you want to hold on.
Faith is saying yes when everything else says no.
It is believing all things are possible in the midst of impossibilities.
Faith is looking beyond what is and trusting for what will be.
It is the presence of light in darkness, the presence of God in all.
I mentioned the "stripping" away that God seems to be doing in my life right now. Not only does He seem to be doing that, He seems to be prompting me to start taking those small steps of faith. I get Grief Share daily emails sent to me, and maybe, I'm reading into things, but some of the titles this week were "moving on", and "saying goodbye". They weren't telling me that it was time or anything like that, but it did make me start to think. I was also reminded of the line from It's a Wonderful Life" when George says, 'I want to live again'. Just to clarify, what I'm saying doesn't mean that I'm ready for this, in fact, I don't know if I will ever be ready to move on, but what I'm saying is that if God wants me to take that leap of faith, those steps forward, letting go when I want to hold on, I must. I am His child which means that when my Dad tells me I have to do something, it is my responsibility to obey. That last line made me realize that this is not going to be easy. Take a deep breath Beth, you don't have to do it alone!! That leads me to the last thing that I was thinking about today..
I have to Be still and know that He is God. Part of another song that I thought of:
Still, I want to be still.
Let me be ok, with the quiet in my heart.
Still, I want to be still,
I'm so quick to move,
instead of listening to You.
I'm your child tame my heart
Obedience, to me impart,
Still.
That's all for now, I must get back to making cookies, and watching Scrooge!
Today I picked up a book that someone made for me. It is book of all the posts that were written on Caringbridge, the ones that were written by me (mostly) and the ones that were written to us by family and friends. It was such a wonderful gift! On July 16th, many of you wrote posts expressing your sympathy. I did read them at the time, but I know my mind wasn't really in it and I didn't read them very carefully. I tried a couple of months ago to pick it up, but after reading a few entries, I had to put it down. For some reason I picked it up today. Mind you I still cried when I read it, but primarily it was a reminder of the amazing outpouring of love for us. You all have been wonderful! I came across one post that I don't remember, but is so fitting for what I've been thinking about this week. A poem written by Ellen Cuomo:
Faith is risking what is for what is yet to be.
It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones.
Faith is holding on when you want to let go.
It is letting go when you want to hold on.
Faith is saying yes when everything else says no.
It is believing all things are possible in the midst of impossibilities.
Faith is looking beyond what is and trusting for what will be.
It is the presence of light in darkness, the presence of God in all.
I mentioned the "stripping" away that God seems to be doing in my life right now. Not only does He seem to be doing that, He seems to be prompting me to start taking those small steps of faith. I get Grief Share daily emails sent to me, and maybe, I'm reading into things, but some of the titles this week were "moving on", and "saying goodbye". They weren't telling me that it was time or anything like that, but it did make me start to think. I was also reminded of the line from It's a Wonderful Life" when George says, 'I want to live again'. Just to clarify, what I'm saying doesn't mean that I'm ready for this, in fact, I don't know if I will ever be ready to move on, but what I'm saying is that if God wants me to take that leap of faith, those steps forward, letting go when I want to hold on, I must. I am His child which means that when my Dad tells me I have to do something, it is my responsibility to obey. That last line made me realize that this is not going to be easy. Take a deep breath Beth, you don't have to do it alone!! That leads me to the last thing that I was thinking about today..
I have to Be still and know that He is God. Part of another song that I thought of:
Still, I want to be still.
Let me be ok, with the quiet in my heart.
Still, I want to be still,
I'm so quick to move,
instead of listening to You.
I'm your child tame my heart
Obedience, to me impart,
Still.
That's all for now, I must get back to making cookies, and watching Scrooge!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
There is a Reason
Some songs just match perfectly to what I am thinking. Alison Krauss is one of my favorite artists, and I have loved this song since I first heard it. I never imagined that I would understand it in the way that I do now.
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all
I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sin
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know
Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all
Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all
In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all
I do believe that there is a reason for it all. God seems to be slowly stripping things away in my life. Most of it I don't understand at all. I also don't understand the timing of different things that have happened in my life. I also keep wondering when this "stripping away" will be complete and what the purpose of it is. I'm not a very patience person. In fact, when people would remind me that "patience is a virtue" I usually responded "but not one of mine". Well, in all that is going on I think God is teaching me patience and I have no choice but to wait and see what the next bend in the road will be. To quote another Alison Krauss song:
But if I trust the One who died for me
Who shed His blood to set me free
If I live my life to trust in You
Your grace will see me through
I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees
To summarize, there is a reason for it all, and because I am in the palm of HIS hand and He loves me, I can trust that HIS grace will see me through.
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all
I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sin
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know
Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all
Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all
In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all
I do believe that there is a reason for it all. God seems to be slowly stripping things away in my life. Most of it I don't understand at all. I also don't understand the timing of different things that have happened in my life. I also keep wondering when this "stripping away" will be complete and what the purpose of it is. I'm not a very patience person. In fact, when people would remind me that "patience is a virtue" I usually responded "but not one of mine". Well, in all that is going on I think God is teaching me patience and I have no choice but to wait and see what the next bend in the road will be. To quote another Alison Krauss song:
But if I trust the One who died for me
Who shed His blood to set me free
If I live my life to trust in You
Your grace will see me through
I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees
To summarize, there is a reason for it all, and because I am in the palm of HIS hand and He loves me, I can trust that HIS grace will see me through.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Joyfulness
At work, we are asked to join an accountability group. One of the questions that is usually asked is "when was the last time that you experienced joy in your life?" That question has been a little difficult for me to answer lately. I've been pretty happy, but not necessarily joyful. In my mind, joyfulness means that it comes from deep inside your self and you just can't help being joyful. Happiness, well, anyone can show that they are happy on the outside all the while turmoil goes on in the inside.
I know that this is just one day (I hope it continues) but today was a joyful day! Strange thing though, it is supposed to be a bad day for me. Jared's new life began 5 months ago today. We had a Kids staff Christmas party, another reason for me to be emotional, but it was so much fun. Of course, when it is a white elephant gift exchange, with some of the tackiest gifts that I've ever seen, why wouldn't it be fun?! This was one of the best ones:
But truly it was a great day, thanks to a bunch of wonderful co-workers. Thank you Lord for providing this job for me, I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful Christian people who have walked with me every step of this journey!
These verses were the past three days of my desk calendar. They are so encouraging!
Deut. 30:6 The Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants to love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.
Ps. 34:17-18 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ps. 121:7-8 The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
I know that this is just one day (I hope it continues) but today was a joyful day! Strange thing though, it is supposed to be a bad day for me. Jared's new life began 5 months ago today. We had a Kids staff Christmas party, another reason for me to be emotional, but it was so much fun. Of course, when it is a white elephant gift exchange, with some of the tackiest gifts that I've ever seen, why wouldn't it be fun?! This was one of the best ones:
But truly it was a great day, thanks to a bunch of wonderful co-workers. Thank you Lord for providing this job for me, I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful Christian people who have walked with me every step of this journey!
These verses were the past three days of my desk calendar. They are so encouraging!
Deut. 30:6 The Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants to love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.
Ps. 34:17-18 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ps. 121:7-8 The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Two Years
I cannot wait for 2009 to be over. It seems like if its not one thing its another, the year of ups and downs. I had the greatest day of my life and the worst day of my life in the span 3 months, and quite a few other days that I would consider rank fairly high in the "worst" category. :)
Having said that, it's been an emotional week. I sometimes I wish I wasn't such an emotional person. I inherited my crying genes from one of my parents, and if you know my family at all, I'm sure you can guess who it is. I wish I could hold it all in, all the time. I get tired of crying in front of people. Tears will commence for various reasons: memories, people asking me how I am doing, people that are so very kind to me when they don't have to be, being overwhelmed by things I can't control and decisions that I have to make, and the major one lately is just really missing Jared.
It has now been two years since my first date with Jared on December 8, 2007. I remember the first time that we actually met (which was a month before). We were with a group of people and we really didn't get a chance to talk to each other. The funny part was, was that everyone in attendance that night, had at one point told both of us individually that we needed to meet. Jared & I talked about that first meeting later on and we both said that we felt indifferent in regards to each other. That changed very quickly. After that first date and the week that followed, I think there was only one day in the next 19 months that we didn't either talk to or see each other. I know that I only had him for 19 months, which quite truthfully doesn't sound like very much time, but it didn't take us very long to realize that God brought us together. Also, we were only married for 75 days, again doesn't sound like very long, but on the day we were married we became one. No matter the length of time involved, the bond between a husband and wife is amazing! I'm so grateful that I got to experience that bond with Jared. May you all cherish the spouse that God has given you!
This is a quote from someone else who lost a spouse recently, "I am content with where I am, but I do not feel complete." To an extent that is true for me also, thankfully God has been faithful to fill a lot of the void that is left, which helps with some of the completeness. The human side of me doesn't feel complete though! :)
Today's sermon at church reminded me of what my focus needs to be on right now. Our pastor talked about our willingness to give up everything for the sake of Christ, using the story of Mary and Joseph. Their lives were turned upside down when Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit through Mary. They could have continued to do their own thing, but instead there are verses that say "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him" (Matt 1:24) that prove otherwise. As Christians are we willing to do all that the Lord commands us? I need to remember not to follow my own agenda but allow God to work in my life for HIS glorification, not mine. I pray I am doing that, it was a good reminder!
I close with a passage of Scripture that has become prominent in my life lately (which means I have come across it often) Numbers 6:24-26: The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace. May He do that for all of you this week!
Having said that, it's been an emotional week. I sometimes I wish I wasn't such an emotional person. I inherited my crying genes from one of my parents, and if you know my family at all, I'm sure you can guess who it is. I wish I could hold it all in, all the time. I get tired of crying in front of people. Tears will commence for various reasons: memories, people asking me how I am doing, people that are so very kind to me when they don't have to be, being overwhelmed by things I can't control and decisions that I have to make, and the major one lately is just really missing Jared.
It has now been two years since my first date with Jared on December 8, 2007. I remember the first time that we actually met (which was a month before). We were with a group of people and we really didn't get a chance to talk to each other. The funny part was, was that everyone in attendance that night, had at one point told both of us individually that we needed to meet. Jared & I talked about that first meeting later on and we both said that we felt indifferent in regards to each other. That changed very quickly. After that first date and the week that followed, I think there was only one day in the next 19 months that we didn't either talk to or see each other. I know that I only had him for 19 months, which quite truthfully doesn't sound like very much time, but it didn't take us very long to realize that God brought us together. Also, we were only married for 75 days, again doesn't sound like very long, but on the day we were married we became one. No matter the length of time involved, the bond between a husband and wife is amazing! I'm so grateful that I got to experience that bond with Jared. May you all cherish the spouse that God has given you!
This is a quote from someone else who lost a spouse recently, "I am content with where I am, but I do not feel complete." To an extent that is true for me also, thankfully God has been faithful to fill a lot of the void that is left, which helps with some of the completeness. The human side of me doesn't feel complete though! :)
Today's sermon at church reminded me of what my focus needs to be on right now. Our pastor talked about our willingness to give up everything for the sake of Christ, using the story of Mary and Joseph. Their lives were turned upside down when Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit through Mary. They could have continued to do their own thing, but instead there are verses that say "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him" (Matt 1:24) that prove otherwise. As Christians are we willing to do all that the Lord commands us? I need to remember not to follow my own agenda but allow God to work in my life for HIS glorification, not mine. I pray I am doing that, it was a good reminder!
I close with a passage of Scripture that has become prominent in my life lately (which means I have come across it often) Numbers 6:24-26: The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace. May He do that for all of you this week!
Monday, December 7, 2009
December...
I've been struggling lately with letting my mind wander. I tend to borrow trouble if I can. I have said in previous posts that if I keep my mind focused on Christ, I feel much better about my situation. Lately, I've been having a difficult time with that. Not necessarily the fact that I'm not focusing on Christ, but that I'm worrying much more about what the future holds. The future is confusing and when I don't have clear direction as to how to proceed with certain decisions, the worrying begins. I'm sure I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know I need to pray more, worrying will just cause me more stress and really doesn't help in the long run. Easier said than done.
The month of December holds a lot more memories about Jared then the past few months have held. If I think about them for a couple of minutes, I will usually do ok, even smiling about what we did share. When I begin to dwell on all the "nevers" my emotions start to run rampant. I'll admit, I am dreading Christmas. I considered running away this Christmas, somewhere where no one else was, and just escaping, but I can't. I'm going back to the frigid north to visit my family, and to be there to see my sister get married. My family is great; they all said I didn't have to come back, especially if it was going to be too difficult for me to handle. I've determined that would be selfish of me. This may be one of the hardest things that I will have to deal with, but I must. Yes, my stubbornness is showing, I'm not a redhead for nothing. :) I know that if I don't go, I will eventually regret not being there for my sister and future bro-in-law. Back to borrowing trouble. I worry about not being able to make it through the ceremony without losing it, making my family's life miserable, taking away from my sister's wedding day, being the Eeyour with the dark rain cloud at Christmas. Doesn't that sound uplifting?! I have to stop thinking about all the negative things that perhaps could happen and remember that God still has a plan for my life and His timing is always perfect!
Ok, everything written above was penned last night. Just to show you how God works....
Today I'm doing much better, but woke up with the same worrisome thoughts about finances, decisions about my house, etc. looming over my head. This is the God part. Today at lunch one of my co-workers reminded me that God has always provided for his family, no matter the what the circumstances were. It made me go back and think about all the ways that God has provided for me these past few months. The constant reminders today of His faithfulness to me have been incredible. I think I need to do something that someone once suggested to me. Every day, write down one thing that I'm thankful for/how God has blessed me and post it somewhere that I can see it all day long. My personality is to get weighed down in all the "bad" things and forget the good. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not in charge and remember that the One who holds my tomorrows is walking with me every step of the way!
Psalm 23
The month of December holds a lot more memories about Jared then the past few months have held. If I think about them for a couple of minutes, I will usually do ok, even smiling about what we did share. When I begin to dwell on all the "nevers" my emotions start to run rampant. I'll admit, I am dreading Christmas. I considered running away this Christmas, somewhere where no one else was, and just escaping, but I can't. I'm going back to the frigid north to visit my family, and to be there to see my sister get married. My family is great; they all said I didn't have to come back, especially if it was going to be too difficult for me to handle. I've determined that would be selfish of me. This may be one of the hardest things that I will have to deal with, but I must. Yes, my stubbornness is showing, I'm not a redhead for nothing. :) I know that if I don't go, I will eventually regret not being there for my sister and future bro-in-law. Back to borrowing trouble. I worry about not being able to make it through the ceremony without losing it, making my family's life miserable, taking away from my sister's wedding day, being the Eeyour with the dark rain cloud at Christmas. Doesn't that sound uplifting?! I have to stop thinking about all the negative things that perhaps could happen and remember that God still has a plan for my life and His timing is always perfect!
Ok, everything written above was penned last night. Just to show you how God works....
Today I'm doing much better, but woke up with the same worrisome thoughts about finances, decisions about my house, etc. looming over my head. This is the God part. Today at lunch one of my co-workers reminded me that God has always provided for his family, no matter the what the circumstances were. It made me go back and think about all the ways that God has provided for me these past few months. The constant reminders today of His faithfulness to me have been incredible. I think I need to do something that someone once suggested to me. Every day, write down one thing that I'm thankful for/how God has blessed me and post it somewhere that I can see it all day long. My personality is to get weighed down in all the "bad" things and forget the good. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not in charge and remember that the One who holds my tomorrows is walking with me every step of the way!
Psalm 23
Monday, November 30, 2009
Trip
I had a great time with friends in Kentucky. A good Thanksgiving too, I only had one brief moment where I wanted to burst out crying, I was able to hold it together though. I think that was pretty good! To prove that you never know when things are going to hit you, the moment was during the prayer before dinner. Go figure. My best friend is from a large family also, so being with them is a lot of fun, they kept me busy and my mind off of my situation. They gave me a brand new Bible, it was one of the best gifts that they could have given me, it was so sweet of them. It was nice to escape for a bit, all the while being encouraged by great friends! Thanks to the fam in Kentucky!!!
I returned on Saturday to a beautiful day, which changed drastically today. We are expecting snow/sleet/ice in west Texas tomorrow. Which means that if it does happen, the whole town will shut down because they don't have the equipment to keep the roads clear. I find that funny being from Wisconsin where people still travel even if there is a blizzard. :)
At work this afternoon, we decorated the children's building for Christmas. I didn't think I would be able to handle it, but I did! I don't think I'm ready to decorate my own house, but at least it was a step in a good direction. I'm also considering finding my Christmas music. I enjoyed listening to it today while decorating, so maybe I should pull it out. We'll see though.
Well that's a little about what is going on this week. I'm still leaning heavily on the Lord. He is my source of strength, and the reason that I'm able to get up in the morning a make it through the day. His mercies are new every morning! I'm praying that "He will continue to fill my mouth with laughter" (which I do quite often), but more importantly "fill my lips with shouts of joy". Job 8:21
I returned on Saturday to a beautiful day, which changed drastically today. We are expecting snow/sleet/ice in west Texas tomorrow. Which means that if it does happen, the whole town will shut down because they don't have the equipment to keep the roads clear. I find that funny being from Wisconsin where people still travel even if there is a blizzard. :)
At work this afternoon, we decorated the children's building for Christmas. I didn't think I would be able to handle it, but I did! I don't think I'm ready to decorate my own house, but at least it was a step in a good direction. I'm also considering finding my Christmas music. I enjoyed listening to it today while decorating, so maybe I should pull it out. We'll see though.
Well that's a little about what is going on this week. I'm still leaning heavily on the Lord. He is my source of strength, and the reason that I'm able to get up in the morning a make it through the day. His mercies are new every morning! I'm praying that "He will continue to fill my mouth with laughter" (which I do quite often), but more importantly "fill my lips with shouts of joy". Job 8:21
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thankful
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, usually spent with family just hanging out, watching some football and eating lots of good food. This will be the third year that I don't go home for Thanksgiving, no one's fault but my own. First year I got to spent with my brother's new family, last year with those who would be become my new family, and this year I'm with fabulous friends.
Some of my favorite memories from the first Thanksgiving away from family, was being able to get to know my brother's wife's family, they are so wonderful! I remember watching the Cowboy's game, with cheerleaders included, need I say more?! Reeds, especially Granny, I know you miss someone around your table for the first time this year too!
Last year's memory included trying to cook Thanksgiving dinner so that Jared could eat everything. Jared and I were in charge of making the mashed potatoes out of cauliflower. It is actually good for those who are cringing right now. Some of the family not knowing that they weren't true potatoes, and hating them. Thinking that I had made them, they didn't say anything because they didn't want to offend me, so they politely said they were stuffed. Finding out later they hated them made Jared and I both laugh! Still laughing about it actually. :)
This year has yet to happen, but I know that it will be far different than I had anticipated six months ago. I'm sure I will still have a good time.
Although it will be far different, the reason for celebrating this holiday still remains the same, thanksgiving. Everyone has at least one reason to be thankful. My reasons for being thankful are many, but the one thing that I am most thankful for is that I am a child of the King! I am under His wing! I've seen the following verse twice today, which usually means I think God is trying to tell me something.
Psalm 121:1-3 (verse three is the one I've seen)
1. I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?
2. My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
3. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.
The rest of the chapter was great too, but I need to go to bed, so you'll have to read it yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
Some of my favorite memories from the first Thanksgiving away from family, was being able to get to know my brother's wife's family, they are so wonderful! I remember watching the Cowboy's game, with cheerleaders included, need I say more?! Reeds, especially Granny, I know you miss someone around your table for the first time this year too!
Last year's memory included trying to cook Thanksgiving dinner so that Jared could eat everything. Jared and I were in charge of making the mashed potatoes out of cauliflower. It is actually good for those who are cringing right now. Some of the family not knowing that they weren't true potatoes, and hating them. Thinking that I had made them, they didn't say anything because they didn't want to offend me, so they politely said they were stuffed. Finding out later they hated them made Jared and I both laugh! Still laughing about it actually. :)
This year has yet to happen, but I know that it will be far different than I had anticipated six months ago. I'm sure I will still have a good time.
Although it will be far different, the reason for celebrating this holiday still remains the same, thanksgiving. Everyone has at least one reason to be thankful. My reasons for being thankful are many, but the one thing that I am most thankful for is that I am a child of the King! I am under His wing! I've seen the following verse twice today, which usually means I think God is trying to tell me something.
Psalm 121:1-3 (verse three is the one I've seen)
1. I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?
2. My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
3. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.
The rest of the chapter was great too, but I need to go to bed, so you'll have to read it yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Race
Today, I had the privilege of helping to support the Make a Wish foundation. Our church was involved in the Race for Wishes, helping to grant wishes for children with life threatening illnesses. We had a great turnout from Stonegate, thanks to all who participated! It was an awful early morning, considering that I only got 3.5 hours of sleep last night. Had to be there at 7:00, ok, got there at 7:10 :) and it was cold. It turned into a beautiful day, getting out into the fresh air, walking (I don't run!), and enjoying the company of co-workers. The best part of the day was knowing that we were raising money to help families who are going through a difficult time. It was nice to take the focus off of my problems for a while. I know that I don't completely understand what these families are going through, but I think with having to go through my own experience of a "life-threatening" illness with my husband, I have an inkling of an idea. There is nothing I can change about my situation and it was great to give back a little after everything everyone did for me and Jared's family. Good times.
My life is crazy right now. I look back about five years ago and think about how "boring" my life was. Five years ago, I never would have expected my life to take this path that I am now on. But as difficult as my life is, how out of control it seems to be in my eyes, I am right where God wants me to be. I wouldn't trade my relationship with my Savior for anything! He loves me more than anyone else can, He died for me and gave me eternal life! What more could I ask for!
My life is crazy right now. I look back about five years ago and think about how "boring" my life was. Five years ago, I never would have expected my life to take this path that I am now on. But as difficult as my life is, how out of control it seems to be in my eyes, I am right where God wants me to be. I wouldn't trade my relationship with my Savior for anything! He loves me more than anyone else can, He died for me and gave me eternal life! What more could I ask for!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Heaven! 4 months ago today
I'm reminded that Jared passed from this life into His Savior's arms, four months ago today. Wow, I've made it a third of a year! You may not think that that is that amazing, but I do! Heard the song "One More Day" by Diamond Rio today and almost walked out of the store when it was playing. Then my thought was, no I shouldn't wish one more day, because Jared is having the time of his life in heaven worshiping our Lord and Savior. I wouldn't want him to leave that!! :)
I've had a good day today, I am truly blessed that God gave me my job here at Stonegate Fellowship. I couldn't have asked for a better group of co-workers. Since I don't have much of my family around here, it has been great to have a church family that helps support me in the everyday life. If I didn't have them, you may have seen me pack my bags and move back to Wisconsin. Sorry fam!! :) Reality, I don't think that would have happened either, God has placed me in Midland, TX for a reason, and unless I get the green light to go anywhere else, I'm here, waiting on God to reveal His next step/plan for me. It is actually kinda exciting! (Secret-I'm just praying He let's me stay in this area, I like it here.)
This poem has always been one of my favorites and for some reason, it came into my mind today. It may be familiar to you, but always a good reminder for me!
My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.
Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
~The Weaver
I just heard these verses read, Hosea 6:1-3:
Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but he will heal us. He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and he will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.
I love it!
I've had a good day today, I am truly blessed that God gave me my job here at Stonegate Fellowship. I couldn't have asked for a better group of co-workers. Since I don't have much of my family around here, it has been great to have a church family that helps support me in the everyday life. If I didn't have them, you may have seen me pack my bags and move back to Wisconsin. Sorry fam!! :) Reality, I don't think that would have happened either, God has placed me in Midland, TX for a reason, and unless I get the green light to go anywhere else, I'm here, waiting on God to reveal His next step/plan for me. It is actually kinda exciting! (Secret-I'm just praying He let's me stay in this area, I like it here.)
This poem has always been one of my favorites and for some reason, it came into my mind today. It may be familiar to you, but always a good reminder for me!
My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.
Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
~The Weaver
I just heard these verses read, Hosea 6:1-3:
Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but he will heal us. He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and he will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.
I love it!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Great is His faithfulness
I will admit, I've had a bad attitude this week. (So much for the previous post!) My Bible study focused this week on how we should see the good in every season of our life. It talked about the relationship between our heart/mind and words/deeds. We may not be able to control our circumstances, but can control our attitude during the circumstances. This week, I didn't like that focus. I avoided doing the lesson until late last night. I am certain that didn't get what I should have out of it. The actual class for the study was this morning and I've been thinking about it since. I do need to change my attitude.
You know how difficult it is to listen to someone that complains all the time? You want to avoid them because you know the conversation will be all about them and how bad their life is, they are depressing people! (I'm sure that I've been one of those people lately!) It made me think about the relationship between us and God. I know that God doesn't avoid/ignore us when we complain to Him, but don't you think that He sometimes sits there, waiting for us to stop being so negative?! There are so many verses that tell us to rejoice when various trials come or ones that tell us how He helps us through our pain. We have the greatest Strength to go to when we have problems, yet our first instinct is to complain. I know when I trust God fully, I see His work in my life much more clearly. Why is that so hard to grasp sometimes?!
Anyway, as I sat at my desk I was listening to a CD of hymns and "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" was playing. It was an instant reminder that God is faithful and never changes, even when I am complaining. The words:
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8
You know how difficult it is to listen to someone that complains all the time? You want to avoid them because you know the conversation will be all about them and how bad their life is, they are depressing people! (I'm sure that I've been one of those people lately!) It made me think about the relationship between us and God. I know that God doesn't avoid/ignore us when we complain to Him, but don't you think that He sometimes sits there, waiting for us to stop being so negative?! There are so many verses that tell us to rejoice when various trials come or ones that tell us how He helps us through our pain. We have the greatest Strength to go to when we have problems, yet our first instinct is to complain. I know when I trust God fully, I see His work in my life much more clearly. Why is that so hard to grasp sometimes?!
Anyway, as I sat at my desk I was listening to a CD of hymns and "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" was playing. It was an instant reminder that God is faithful and never changes, even when I am complaining. The words:
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Song
Ok, you know how I said that God isn't letting me forget that He has a plan. Well, I decided to youtube the song "Still" that I mentioned in my other post today. Here is the first one I selected: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9M9wowQaXYk
I wasn't really paying attention to the actual video because I was sitting with my eyes closed, listening to the words. I opened my eyes at the end to see Jeremiah 29:11 come up on the screen! This isn't the first time that He has shown me things like this and I know it won't be the last, but I just had to share this one! His grace is sufficient!
I wasn't really paying attention to the actual video because I was sitting with my eyes closed, listening to the words. I opened my eyes at the end to see Jeremiah 29:11 come up on the screen! This isn't the first time that He has shown me things like this and I know it won't be the last, but I just had to share this one! His grace is sufficient!
Hmmm...
Sometimes I don't know what to think. Some Sundays are good, and others are not. I'm thankful that today was a good Sunday. The memory of not having Jared here with me is always in my mind, but some days are easier than others. There are days that I see a picture of him and smile, other days the tears start come. Same with songs that I hear, especially during worship on Sundays. (They usually get me the worst!) Today they sang a song that on other days would start me crying, but today I could rejoice, smiling while I sang, it was great!
Part of the words were:
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
-Still by Hillsong
I loved the line that said "I will be still and know you are God." So often lately I have been forgetting that, not understanding why God is allowing certain things to happen. So many things have changed in my life, but there are some things that I didn't anticipate would happen. God seems to be slowly peeling things away in my life, forcing me to trust in Him completely. Refinement is not something that we volunteer for saying, "pick me Lord, I'm willing". Although I didn't pick it either, I am so extremely grateful that I have the most awesomest God who walks right beside me. People may fail us, hurt or disappointment may creep in, life may seem like a huge storm, but He is the King over it all. We just need to be still and know He is God. That's what I'm going to try to do this week.
My week slowly improved after Monday. Thankfully! I'm getting more and more used to my life now, although I'm sure you can tell I don't always like it. :) It reminds me of when my parents used to tell me "because I said so", without giving a reason. The same way it is with our Heavenly Father. I don't understand the reason and He hasn't given me one, but again I don't know the big picture, so I still have to trust that God has a plan!!! God isn't letting me forget that either!
Thanks all!!
Part of the words were:
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
-Still by Hillsong
I loved the line that said "I will be still and know you are God." So often lately I have been forgetting that, not understanding why God is allowing certain things to happen. So many things have changed in my life, but there are some things that I didn't anticipate would happen. God seems to be slowly peeling things away in my life, forcing me to trust in Him completely. Refinement is not something that we volunteer for saying, "pick me Lord, I'm willing". Although I didn't pick it either, I am so extremely grateful that I have the most awesomest God who walks right beside me. People may fail us, hurt or disappointment may creep in, life may seem like a huge storm, but He is the King over it all. We just need to be still and know He is God. That's what I'm going to try to do this week.
My week slowly improved after Monday. Thankfully! I'm getting more and more used to my life now, although I'm sure you can tell I don't always like it. :) It reminds me of when my parents used to tell me "because I said so", without giving a reason. The same way it is with our Heavenly Father. I don't understand the reason and He hasn't given me one, but again I don't know the big picture, so I still have to trust that God has a plan!!! God isn't letting me forget that either!
Thanks all!!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sixth Month Anniversary
Sorry to those who actually read this, it is one of those emotional days for me. I'll be laying my heart out there for you all to see.
As you can see by the title it is a significant day. It was six months ago today that I married the best man in the world! I was determined this morning that this day would not bring me down. Started off the day by reading the Word, asking God to give me a joyous day, and off to work I went. My dad called me telling me to check my email, which I did. What awaited me was some wonderful news, but then the emotions hit. Receiving that news was so bittersweet, and what bothered me the most was that I didn't have my husband here to share in the news. He would be so happy! It made me miss him so much more.
That began the downward spiral of my day. Things that I have no control over started bothering me. I had to fight back my tears as people discussed Christmas during a meeting at work. Believe me, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so don't feel like you can't talk about the holidays around me, etc., but it is just hard for me to think about the holidays, knowing that I will never spend a Christmas with Jared as his wife. It is also the day that we got engaged which will make it even harder. I would love for the holidays to disappear this year, but I know that won't happen, so I must make the most of it!
I feel like such a failure on days like this. I shouldn't be so emotional, that just means that I'm not trusting God with everything. After all, "He knows the plans that He has for me". It means that I'm not rejoicing in the fact that Jared is in heaven, with His Savior, worshipping at His feet. It also means that I'm not relying on His strength to see me through these tough times. I told this to a friend today, and she looked at me with a screwed up face, saying didn't Jesus weep for His friend Lazarus?! Beth, God gave you these emotions! (I have the best co-workers!) Yes, she is right, but unfortunately, I'm a perfectionist. I want to work through this grief, trusting God that He will see me through, giving me the strength to handle everything.
Lord, please lead me in the path that you want me to go, leaning on You as my only source of strength. Please keep my thoughts fixed on You, knowing that You hold my life in your hands.
A line from a song comes to my mind "the darker the night, the brighter He can shine". I guess right now, as the tears flow down my face, I hope that although this a was dark day for me, tomorrow will be better, and I will be the vessel that He shines through.
Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Believe me, I'm holding on to that tonight!! :)
Thanks all for your prayers, and for listening.
As you can see by the title it is a significant day. It was six months ago today that I married the best man in the world! I was determined this morning that this day would not bring me down. Started off the day by reading the Word, asking God to give me a joyous day, and off to work I went. My dad called me telling me to check my email, which I did. What awaited me was some wonderful news, but then the emotions hit. Receiving that news was so bittersweet, and what bothered me the most was that I didn't have my husband here to share in the news. He would be so happy! It made me miss him so much more.
That began the downward spiral of my day. Things that I have no control over started bothering me. I had to fight back my tears as people discussed Christmas during a meeting at work. Believe me, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so don't feel like you can't talk about the holidays around me, etc., but it is just hard for me to think about the holidays, knowing that I will never spend a Christmas with Jared as his wife. It is also the day that we got engaged which will make it even harder. I would love for the holidays to disappear this year, but I know that won't happen, so I must make the most of it!
I feel like such a failure on days like this. I shouldn't be so emotional, that just means that I'm not trusting God with everything. After all, "He knows the plans that He has for me". It means that I'm not rejoicing in the fact that Jared is in heaven, with His Savior, worshipping at His feet. It also means that I'm not relying on His strength to see me through these tough times. I told this to a friend today, and she looked at me with a screwed up face, saying didn't Jesus weep for His friend Lazarus?! Beth, God gave you these emotions! (I have the best co-workers!) Yes, she is right, but unfortunately, I'm a perfectionist. I want to work through this grief, trusting God that He will see me through, giving me the strength to handle everything.
Lord, please lead me in the path that you want me to go, leaning on You as my only source of strength. Please keep my thoughts fixed on You, knowing that You hold my life in your hands.
A line from a song comes to my mind "the darker the night, the brighter He can shine". I guess right now, as the tears flow down my face, I hope that although this a was dark day for me, tomorrow will be better, and I will be the vessel that He shines through.
Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Believe me, I'm holding on to that tonight!! :)
Thanks all for your prayers, and for listening.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Circumstances
I'm spending the evening working through my Bible study lesson for tomorrow. We've spent the last few weeks looking at individuals in the Bible who have gone through various trials, David, Ruth, Joseph and how they responded to their circumstances. I grew up in a Christian home, knowing all of these Biblical characters and their stories. I've always thought, well of course they had trials, they are characters in the Bible! Taking a closer look at them has made me realized that they were just regular people like you and me and their struggles, sins, joys, etc. are no different then ours. What makes them different is the response that they had. Look at David, running away from a King who wanted to kill him, still saying that God would take care of him. Joseph, being sold by his brothers into a foreign land, accused of something he didn't commit, and spending years in jail. He didn't become embittered, he still gave God credit for everything.
I'm reading through Philippians tonight. Paul wrote this book while in prison and throughout the book is encouraging these saints to be more like Christ, having His attitude. Phil 2:5. Paul still rejoiced even in his circumstances because he knew that his life was not about him, but about Christ. Phil. 1:12 My circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel.
One thing I am learning, it really doesn't do any good to complain about the situation that I am in. Don't get me wrong, I can still complain quite well, but really, it won't solve anything. Instead I should, Do everything without grumbling or complaining, that I may prove myself to be blameless and innocent, a child of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom I appear as a light in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain. Phil 2:14-16. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't see the big picture, only God does. I want to be the one that God can use as an example to others, a light to the world. I just hope that my response to the trials and circumstances that I go through are like the Davids, Josephs, Ruths, and Pauls of the Bible.
I'm doing ok this week. Kinda an up and down week so far. Tired, I don't always sleep the greatest, but sleep is overrated, right!? God is faithful to supply all my needs. I'm still amazed at the people that contact me with encouraging thoughts and prayers, and the people that still listen to me when I'm going through the bad moments. Thanks everyone!
Better get back to my lesson.
I'm reading through Philippians tonight. Paul wrote this book while in prison and throughout the book is encouraging these saints to be more like Christ, having His attitude. Phil 2:5. Paul still rejoiced even in his circumstances because he knew that his life was not about him, but about Christ. Phil. 1:12 My circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel.
One thing I am learning, it really doesn't do any good to complain about the situation that I am in. Don't get me wrong, I can still complain quite well, but really, it won't solve anything. Instead I should, Do everything without grumbling or complaining, that I may prove myself to be blameless and innocent, a child of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom I appear as a light in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may have cause to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain. Phil 2:14-16. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't see the big picture, only God does. I want to be the one that God can use as an example to others, a light to the world. I just hope that my response to the trials and circumstances that I go through are like the Davids, Josephs, Ruths, and Pauls of the Bible.
I'm doing ok this week. Kinda an up and down week so far. Tired, I don't always sleep the greatest, but sleep is overrated, right!? God is faithful to supply all my needs. I'm still amazed at the people that contact me with encouraging thoughts and prayers, and the people that still listen to me when I'm going through the bad moments. Thanks everyone!
Better get back to my lesson.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Fall....
What a beautiful Saturday in west Texas! I had to be out of the house by 7:45 am this morning. My church has a wonderful ministry to single moms and widows called the 'Car Care Clinic'. You can take your vehicle there and they change the oil, check fluid levels and just make sure everything is in proper running condition. Thanks so much to everyone who was giving up their Saturday to help, I appreciated it immensely!
I came home and decided since it was so nice I should get some yard work accomplished. Spent the next hour raking the yard and sweeping the driveway. I love all the trees in my front yard, but I'm beginning to realize this is going to be a weekly chore for many weeks to come. I did remember the gloves this time, so no blisters!! It was so nice to get out into God's creation, while enjoying a high school band playing somewhere near my house. Fall is such a beautiful time!
As I blog, I have the music of Hillsong playing in the background. Sometime this summer, someone sent me the link to the song "Desert Song", and it quickly became one of my favorite songs.
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm in His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow
I've learned that when I keep my focus on God either by spending time reading His word, working through a Bible study or listening to worship music, my days are so much better!
Today is good, God still God, and I have reasons to sing!
I came home and decided since it was so nice I should get some yard work accomplished. Spent the next hour raking the yard and sweeping the driveway. I love all the trees in my front yard, but I'm beginning to realize this is going to be a weekly chore for many weeks to come. I did remember the gloves this time, so no blisters!! It was so nice to get out into God's creation, while enjoying a high school band playing somewhere near my house. Fall is such a beautiful time!
As I blog, I have the music of Hillsong playing in the background. Sometime this summer, someone sent me the link to the song "Desert Song", and it quickly became one of my favorite songs.
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm in His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow
I've learned that when I keep my focus on God either by spending time reading His word, working through a Bible study or listening to worship music, my days are so much better!
Today is good, God still God, and I have reasons to sing!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Names
I had an interesting thing happen today. I was sitting in my Bible class, and the teacher was talking about Joseph. She mentioned the names of his children and that he selected their names because of the meanings. Manasseh which means "God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household." Ephraim which means "God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction." The next verse she talked about was Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you. By Webster's definition, the word "consecrate" means "dedicated to a sacred purpose". The thing that I found amazing, was the name Elizabeth, my name, means "consecrated to God". I don't think that my parents chose my name because of the meaning as Joseph did, but it makes me smile anyway. It showed me that I need to be dedicated to God, but also if you look at that verse, God dedicated me to a certain purpose even before I was born! He knows everything He has planned for me. That statement then leads back to the other verse that is always in the forefront of my mind, Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not calamity, to give you a future and a hope. What an amazing God!
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