Tuesday, June 29, 2010

More Vacation talk

I had loads of fun on my vacation.  It was the first time I have spent time on a warm beach.  The only other beaches I have been to (that I remember) were in Connecticut and Alaska.  Not your typical beach vacation spots. :)  I am not a huge water person, I hate water in my face, but that didn't stop me from getting in the ocean at all.  In fact, I enjoyed it immensely!!  I didn't get that sunburned, just in spots, and even managed a bit of a tan.....ok, I'm just not as white!  I went bungee jumping twice, the first time I wasn't nervous at all, the second time I knew what to expect and hesitated a bit before jumping, but it was still fun! We also played mini golf, raced go-karts, bumper cars, and played random arcade games at the Track.  Oh, and restaurants.........the seafood was so good!! I did not want to come home, but I did.  I tried to leave "life" behind for the week and for the most part I did.  I was able to keep some things off my mind which is surprising for me.   One particular thing that I was told about a couple of days prior, I was able to let it go of.  Actually, I think it was more that God just gave me a peace about it!

Water tends to bring out reflectiveness in me.  Last August, I went to visit my best friend.  I always try to get a window seat when I fly and this time was no different.  As I sat staring out the window, I noticed a river.  I watched it for a while and then turned back to the book I was reading, "Let Me Grieve but Not Forever".  I couldn't stop thinking about that river and wrote the following in that book:
I just watched a river.  It was extremely long.  Some parts of it were straight, others were winding, some parts narrow, others wide.  There is no explanation as to where the river will flow, except for God designing the river and creating it's banks.  So is my life right now.  No rhyme or reason except for the knowledge that God is in control, making my river (life) flow in the direction that He wants it to go.
Being at the beach this past week made me reflect again on my life.  On Wednesday night, I had a rush of emotions after we returned from "The Track".  I decided to take a midnight walk on the beach.  That didn't go over too well with some people :) and I was followed, but not before I was able to think (and cry) for a little while.  I had spent some time earlier that evening watching people, more specifically couples.  That's kinda a hard thing to do when you are on vacation, especially when you know what it is like to have that "better half" by your side.  Before I met Jared, I was perfectly content with being single, now, not so much.   I kinda had a pity party for myself for a little while.  As I sat staring at the waves crash up against the beach, I realized I had to stop and just get over it!  I watched the waves and paralleled them a little with my life.  When we first got there, the beach was clear and clean.  Throughout the week, green moss and grass washed up on the beach, and some days would be more gunky than others.  No wave ever came in the same way, and some crashed more than others.   Sometimes I feel like the waves crash in my life and none of them are the same.  I also feel like "gunky" things are dragged into my life all the time.   I often wonder when the calm seas will come again.  As I sat there on the beach, another wave hit me.  This wave was the thought that the same God that controlled the strong waves I was watching, controls all the waves in my life.   Like the river, He knows the way it will flow.  I don't need to wonder what the next wave will be because He will sustain me through it.  I later thought of Psalm 139, especially verses 17 and 18.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
          How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
          When I awake, I am still with You.

He knows me so well, He knows what I need, when I need it.  His thoughts toward me would outnumber the sand.....and believe me, there is lots of sand!!

Well, I'm now back to reality.  It was so difficult to get out of bed this morning.  My sleeping schedule is so messed up. I spent a week going to bed between 12 and 1 and getting up between 10 and 11 in the morning.  I tried to go to bed early last night, but I just couldn't fall asleep until around midnight.  Tomorrow, I try again to resume my 6am running/walking, so I better get to bed early tonight!

Friday, June 25, 2010


It's hard not to like it here!  I hate to leave and go back home, but I know I must.  I've joked all week that "I think God is calling me here"! :)  Not really, just a hope!

I'll write more about my week later, just thought I'd post some pics of the beach!

Monday, June 14, 2010

What a week!

Blessed by the Lord, who has given rest to His people Israel, according to all that He promised; not one word has failed of all His good promise. I Kings 8:56

As exhausted as last week at camp was, I strangely feel rested. I feel more rested emotionally and mentally. Physically.....I was constantly on the run, but exercise is always good, right?! :) Still tired from lack of sleep, but I'll catch up one day!!

I had a great week at camp, I wish I could spend the whole summer working at a camp! The kids were great, they did keep me on my toes, and I had to sternly talk to a few of them, but quite honestly, they were all in all great kids! I had such fun hanging out with them, letting loose, doing fun things with them like.....ziplines, water slides, high rope challenges, archery, shooting, etc. It was fun being one of the "kids" again. :)

The theme of the week was "God is_______", i.e. the One who sees and hears, a Shepherd, a Vine, Love, etc. We were teaching the kids about the character of God. It was so good for me to hear also. I had been feeling a bit of discontent in my life and hearing all about how great my heavenly "Daddy" is to me, just helped me refocus on the fact that God is sovereign in my life. It was so wonderful!!!

I was asked if my story could be used as an example of Psalm 23, about how God is our Shepherd, He will walk through the valleys with us and how our joy can be restored. Even though in my mind I hesitated (I didn't want to have to sit through it!), I said yes. I want the story told to prove what a great God we serve and bring Him glory!!! At first, the story was told without using my name....then at the end, the kids were told that they had spent the week with the person in the story, and I was pointed out. All the kids turned around and looked at me, you could have heard a pin drop! After the service was over, one of the kids in my group (one of the last ones I would have expected) came over and gave me a hug. It was so sweet! At random points of the day, kids would either give me a hug, or mention things like "I never would have thought that, you seem so happy", "did your husband really die?", was my personal favorite. :) I had one boy tell me that he felt sorry for me.....I had forgotten about the talk by now and had to ask why. In the meantime, one other boy says, "don't remind her and make her cry!!" I responded that they didn't have to feel sorry for me, and to remember the reason why the story was told. They were all so cute!! I just pray that they remember the story now and later in life when they have to deal with trials in their lives. God can heal and restore, all the while teaching us more about who He is!

At church yesterday, I had a mom come up and say what a blessing I was to her daughter at camp, but that doesn't matter. She proceeded to point out an ironic thing, her son (a 5 year-old boy Jared taught) thought the world of Jared, even visited him in the hospital twice! She then told me that her son still misses him and that just proved what a great impact that Jared had on her son! That made me get teary eyed, but they were happy tears because he is still remembered and reminded me that God is still using him as an example to others!!

Well, that's all for now, I need to go work-out!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


This week I'm at 5th and 6th grade camp. Having loads of fun, quite tired and should be sleeping now, but this is about the only free time I've had, so this will be quick. I fully expected to come to camp and help show the kids who God is, specifically, more about His character. Well, as usual, God had other plans. I'll get into the details later but this week has been a great reminder to me that God is sovereign in my life!

Camp verse: And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:10

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Too tired to title

I'm still at work, well I'm not actually working, off the clock now. I know if I go home, I will have to laundry or something like that and I don't want to tonight. If I stall long enough, it will be too late to wash and dry my clothes. :)

I had a great weekend with family and friends. We went floating down the river on Sunday and then ate at a great restaurant. Got a bit sunburned, I know, surprise, surprise! Monday we went to a peach processing place, got some great (free!) peaches, and ate at an authentic German restaurant, I love good food, especially good bratwursts! The scale is beginning to prove that too!! :) Actually, I'm running/walking every morning, and people tell me that muscle weighs more than fat, but I wish the poundage numbers would go the other direction! I digress..... Camped for the first time in years. I actually enjoyed weekend camping. My childhood camping experiences consisted of camping because we were in between houses. When I think of camping, I think of camping for weeks on end and in the heat of August! So much better when it is for a couple of days, I think I could even handle it for a week or so. Went hiking, I so miss having places to do that around here! I'll have to post pictures of the countryside, taken from the car....

I've been really struggling the last week or so with my attitude. I know some of it is because I haven't been in the Word like I should be. Enough said but I'll continue. I know some of it is also because of certain days that are "marked." Days like yesterday just send reminders through my head. Not that I want to forget, but don't want to have my life revolve around specific days anymore. Yesterday would have been a year since Jared went into the hospital for the last time. Last year on this day, we found out that Jared's blood work was really wacky and my first thought, when they told me the numbers, was that it was leukemia. I wasn't right, but not too far off. When I think back now, my gut told me that it was the beginning of the end. Thinking about all that also reminds me of how much he suffered in those final weeks. Something I try not to think about and haven't in a very long time. To be blunt, I cannot wait until July 17th, the day after he went to be with the Lord. I'm not dreading it, in fact, I think it will be a relief. One year....I'm sure I will still mark certain days, but it will be different, not so much of a countdown. I hold it together so much better nowadays when these memories come, I just become grumpy and antisocial instead!!

I also read a blog today that got me thinking about contentment. I'm just not content. Another reason for grumpiness! I know I should be content, but I'm not. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I really want to get married again. There, I said it. It is something I have avoided saying for fear of people criticizing me or getting upset. It's the truth though. Yes, Jared was my "first love", but that doesn't mean I can't love again. In fact, I fully plan on it, and Lord willing, soon! Not only am I not content in that, I'm just not content period. Except for my job, and sometimes that even has me discontent. I have the itch right now to travel and see the world, but I have responsibilities here. I wouldn't mind moving away from Midland, but haven't a clue as to where I would like to move. Part of me wants to go back to school, but I don't know exactly what I want to do though. I feel like my life is at a standstill, in a rut, non-productive, not living life to the fullest. Something that I promised myself I would try to do. I know I'm not being everything that God has gifted me to be right now and that is where I know most of the attitude comes from. Guilt of not being the Christ-follower that I should be, just being plain stubborn.

I guess that is enough venting for the evening......I better go home and read my Bible for a while......

One verse I did read today, good reminder, and it helped my attitude somewhat:

And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11