I have had this post on my mind for quite a while, about 3 months now. I am always hesitant to write about the thoughts that go through my head about my first husband and what it is like as a wife again with those memories. I am afraid that people will get the wrong impression about my now husband and our lives together, possibly thinking that because I still have those first memories that our relationship/marriage is diminished/tainted. Just so you know, that is so very far from the truth. Our church did a series a while back on "Scars, not in vain" and that series is primarily the reason why I decided to write this post.
On the first week of the series, one of our pastors told the story of his "scar", the loss of his brother to suicide about eight years ago. As I watched him tell his story, I was filled with so much emotion. It felt like my "scar" was being ripped open.....again. He then proceeded to tell about how he has continued to wrestle with God about the whys, how much God has taught him and how he still has so many memories, which is what stuck with me the most. I think one misconception that people may have is, just because I have "moved on" with my life, doesn't mean that I still don't have memories and emotional moments in my life.
Every year, the months of May, June and July bring back a flood of memories. May is the month we got married and on the last day of that month, he was admitted into the hospital. June was a month of many downs, the month we were told that what Jared had was pretty much incurable, unless the Lord intervened. July, of course, was the month he went to be with the Lord. I am grateful for the people who still remember these times with me. There is one person in mind who acknowledges my first wedding day every year. It means a lot to me that I'm not the only one who remembers (outside of my family). Although these months can still be emotional to this day, the alternative is much worse, never having the memories at all.
One of the hardest things that I've had to deal with over the past five years is having all my memories and not being able to share them with someone. For example, you know how you talk about your wedding day with your spouse or the funny things that have happened to you and you reminisce about things that have done together? The things that are just between the two of you? Yeah, all those memories are just mine and only mine. I was reminded of one of the memories recently and I laughed about it and then realized that no one else would get the humor of that situation, you had to have been there.
If I really stop and think about Jared, it amazes me how much my memory of him has not faded. I can still picture distinct things about him, the way he walked, talked and primarily the way he moved his hands. That may sound odd and I can't describe why that is distinctive to me, but its true. Different things still trigger memories, anytime I watch tennis I'm reminded of how he tried to teach me (I didn't learn very well); skiing, I've only ever been skiing with him; when I walk past the area where he served on Sundays at church I remember meeting him there after church was over; every time I go into town, I drive past the cemetery. Some may think that would trigger a bad memory, but it doesn't, because he is not there, his earthly body may be buried there, but that is it. However, it does not stop me from remembering. I still cherish all my memories, because that is a part of my life that will never go away, it is a part of me, the story that God wrote for my life. I will forever be the only wife that Jared had, that's pretty special and a great honor. :)
Recently, I woman that I know, lost her son-in-law in a car accident. Her daughter is now walking the journey of widowhood at the age of 29. When I received the news, my heart broke for her and I cried for her....a lot! I replayed those first few days that I went through, five years ago, in my head. One of the things I remembered was that although my heart was torn apart, I had the Great Physician by my side, who I knew was going to take my brokenness and turn it into something good, if not great. It took a while, but it happened and will continue to happen in my life. It was a journey that I had a lot of help with, but also a journey that was mostly spent with just the Lord and me. A journey that I will never forget.