Thursday, July 22, 2010


I knew today would get me.  I had been ok all week, but I was also busy.  I knew seeing a family walk in for the meal would bring back memories.  I tried my best to put any memories out of my head while they were there.  Today, it wasn't about me.  Our job was to help in anyway we could to make the family as comfortable as they could be, under the circumstances.  I think I did ok with that. Then the service began.  Slideshow, service, husband speaking, music played were all so close to what we did a year ago.  I held it together fairly well except for one moment.  I turned around and noticed that the family was about to walk in.  I let my mind go back for a second, that was a long walk.  I lost it for a couple of moments. 

Someone came up to me and said that it must have been a hard day for me.  It was, but not for the reason they thought.  It was difficult to have the memories popping up, but what was harder for me was that I knew what the family was going through and will go through.  Adrenaline kicks in, that may sound strange, but it's true.  You know that you have to get through the initial days of the visitation and funeral services.  People are constantly with you, you have to keep taking that one more step forward.   The hard part is when it is all done and you go home and realize that that is it.  It's final.  That's what I was thinking as I watched the family leave.  The huge letdown that happens and reality that hits.  I hurt for the family.

I pray that they find the strength that only God can give them, the peace that passes all understanding (Phil 4:7), and the knowledge that God has a plan (Jer. 29:11), even when we don't understand.  Even though I don't understand, I do remember that God is in His heaven and does whatever He pleases (Psalm 115:3), He will love no matter what (Psalm 136), He was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief (Is 53:3),  He will give strength and peace (Psalm 29:11), and in the end, weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)  He will restore joy!  (Job 8:21)

By the way, one of the final songs sung at this service, was also one we requested at Jared's service:

It is Well with My Soul by Horatio Spafford

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Although it was a tough day, tonight, I can echo those words too, it is well with my soul.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Deja vu

I'm sure you all are sick of the "on this date last year" comments, but sorry, here's another.

Last year, today was the day of Jared's burial, service, etc.  Just to clarify, I'm doing just fine in regards to that.  I know I can't lose it everytime a "special" day comes up.  My mother came up with a good name for it, calendar grief.  One day does not change what is a reality every day! 

The reason why this post is titled "deja vu", is that today is the visitation of a co-worker, tomorrow the service is here at Stonegate.   Hard to grasp that it "happened" again, the same time as last year.  I know what the family is going through, I'm sure not entirely, everyone is different, but it is easier for me to understand where they are, because of my life.  I'm sure that it will be hard to sit through the service tomorrow, but Jesus is same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, which means He will be just as faithful tomorrow as He has been in the past, to me, to her family and to her friends.

Job 2:10 Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?

Deuteronomy 32:4  He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Difficult day

Today was a day like none other I've had lately.  Something happened in my "world" that I didn't see coming.  Nobody did.  For once, it wasn't something that happened personally to me.  I've had a bunch of emotions running through me and I feel very raw.  Sometimes things don't make sense.  I know that God has a plan, believe me, but there are times when I just don't understand. 

I just got off the phone with my brother and he said the same thing.  It's amazing how when I'm thinking on my own I don't remember things that I do when I'm talking with someone else.  My brother was saying that there has been a lot of difficult things in the past year.  The scripture that came to mind while I was talking with him was James 1:2-4,

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 

I'd have to do a study, but I seem to read more in the Bible about encountering trials than I do about how easy the Christian life is!  God warns us over and over that we will have trials, look at the "characters" in the Bible, I don't recall one of them who had a trial-free life!  We expect our lives to be easy, hey, God's in control, but why is it such a struggle for us when we are tested?  Do we suddenly think that God isn't in control anymore?   We can trust Him completely when things don't make sense.  I just read the following verse:

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revealtion of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation.
1 Peter 4:12-13

God knows, nothing takes Him by surprise, just trust Him.

The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger. --Elisabeth Elliot

Saturday, July 17, 2010

July 16, 2010

Much different day this year than it was last year.  This may sound strange to some, but I have been waiting for the year anniversary of Jared's new life.  That's what I'm calling it anyway.  I could say death, but in reality, it was the first day of his new life, his eternal life in glory!  Because of that knowledge, yesterday wasn't bad.  There was only twice that I got teary-eyed, and that's because of things that "outside" people said to me.  It helped that I had a friend over for a quilting party, and had another friend and roommate join us later in the afternoon.  I have such a great supportive friends!

I have come so far in a year.  I remember the night he died, wondering how I would ever how get through it, thinking about how much I had lost.  Although earlier in the day, I remember reminding someone that Jared wasn't mine to lose, he was God's in the first place.  Lots of "nevers" went through my mind that night.  My poor mom had to listen to them all.  Those next few days were hard.  I can still distinctly remember them if I sit and think about them. (I don't like to.)  Part of me still wonders how I spoke at his service.  I know the Lord gave me the strength, but that isn't like me even in a normal situation!  What I said at his service still holds true, people should envy me because I was the only one who had the privileged of being Mrs. Jared Eggemeyer.  I am blessed because God allowed me to have Jared in my life. Back to what I said at the beginning of this paragraph about coming so far.  The Lord has been so faithful.  He says He will, and I am still learning to take Him at His word.  I'm hard-headed.  They say there are stages that people go through when it comes to grief.   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression,  acceptance, just so you know, I had to look them up!  Thankfully, the Lord showed me to accept right off the bat.  I didn't have to go through those other ones.  I never had to ask God why, get depressed, yell my head off, I've been taught God's sovereignty for a long time.  I didn't have to question it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, I've had my moments of pity parties, major crying episodes, frustrations, heartache, and just plain missing Jared, but God has been my strength.  Even in those kind of moments I wouldn't wish Jared back.  Some of those reasons are because I wouldn't want Jared to come back and suffer on this earth, other reasons are because I have been able see God work in amazing ways, and lastly because of the things I have learned through it all.  It isn't easy, but worth it.  I've experienced firsthand the verse from Isaiah 54:4:
For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth.  Pretty amazing!

Back to the beginning, why was I waiting for this day? For some reason I feel that now I can get on with my life without being judged.  I don't know why I think that, because I've been living life anyway!  Hopefully I've lost the "widow" status.  I know that is what I still am, but it doesn't define me like I feel it did a year ago.  I'm sure my thinking is off, like it normally is, and who know how I think of these things! I hope no one takes this last paragraph in a way that it wasn't intended.....

This week was busy, which also helped things.  We had a big event at our church that I have been helping to plan for a couple of months.  We had over 1,000 people there!  It was so much fun.  Here is a pic of me with a grandchild of some other great friends, racing the adult tricycles.  They were fun, I think I need one:

We had fun, and hopefully the families did also!  One story from that event.  I had a woman come up to me and introduce herself to me. She then told me that her son was at the 5th/6th grade camp in June.  She told me that "my story", that was told at camp, had impacted her son and how he's probably told her the story about three times.  See, it is worth it.  If my story, the one that God wrote for me, shows off the glory of God, what more could I ask for?!  In this next year, I pray that I will remember to be the clay in the Potter's hand, allowing Him to continue to mold me the way He wants to.  Trusting Him in everything, giving Him the praise and glory that He alone deserves!

Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp (he also "lost" his spouse)

I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid
There's rest in the shadow of His wings

I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains
If you feel weight of many trials and burdens from this world
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord

And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God

And I have touched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real
He has walked the road before me, he knows just how I feel
When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
Just remember all of Jesus's suffering

'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you
He's near to the broken and confused
By His stripes our spirit is renewed
So enter in the joy prepared for you

I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Life is crazy!!!!  Is it possible to wear your brain out?  That is what I feel like I've done this week.

I thought work would slow down over the summer, but it hasn't.  It is probably for the best, but I've pulled some long hours this week.  Thankfully, it rained a few mornings this week, so I didn't have to get up every day at 6:00am to run/walk.  :)  I have to get back into the rhythm of that again though!

I had a great conversation with a friend last night.  I was reminded how much God has done for me in the last year.  We compared notes, God is so good!  Sometimes I forget that my life is not that bad.  God has done more things for me than I can ever imagine, but instead, I get caught up in the little things that get under my skin.  Things that aren't really worth getting worked up about.  When will I ever learn?

I did something humorous this week.  I was sitting at lunch with some co-workers and one of them was talking about someone they knew.  Because of some things that have happened/decisions that have been made, this person has realize that maybe they should have done some things differently from the beginning.  I was listening and had a thought, along this line, go through my head. "I hope I never have something happen in my life that will have to shake me/change my life, etc."  I then realized what I just thought and burst out laughing.  Wow.  It made me think about how my "tragedy" must not consume my thoughts as much any more.  I think that is a good thing.  God has brought me so far in a year.  He goes before me, I don't have to be afraid, because He will never fail or forsake me.

Deut. 31:6 " Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the One who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you."

Monday, July 5, 2010

2nd one!

Well, after I finished my 9 year quilt project, I decided to do another, albeit a lot smaller! It's a for a baby girl!  I know I'm bragging on myself a little, but can't help by show how cute this is!  Thanks to my friend who has a great eye for coordinating colors.  It isn't done yet, but it shouldn't take too much least I hope not.....but my track record so far isn't very good! :)

This is quite off the topic of quilts, but I have never seen a horny toad before and got to see one at church yesterday...he was kinda cute:

Anyway, there are my random things for today!

Hope you all had a great Independence Day!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Psalm 116

I can't sleep tonight, or should I say this morning.  It's 1:40am.  My dad always told us if you can't sleep, it must be God telling you to read your Bible or pray, so that's what I'm doing.  I came across this Psalm in my reading:

I love the Lord, because He hears my voice and supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.
The cords of death encompassed me, and the terrors of Sheol came upon me; I found distress and sorrow.
Then I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I beseech Thee, save my life!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is compassionate.
The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me.
Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For Thou hast rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I believed when I said, "I am greatly afflicted."
I said in my alarm, "All men are liars."
What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me?
I shall lift up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord.
I shall pay my vows to the Lord, oh may it be the presence of all His people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones.
O Lord, surely I am Thy servant, I am Thy servant, the son of Thy handmaid, Thou hast loosed my bonds.
To Thee I shall offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call upon the name of the Lord.
I shall pay my vows to the Lord, oh may it be in the presence of all His people.
It the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord!!

The Lord has done so much in my life over the past year.  I have so much to praise Him for!!