July 16, 2010

Much different day this year than it was last year.  This may sound strange to some, but I have been waiting for the year anniversary of Jared's new life.  That's what I'm calling it anyway.  I could say death, but in reality, it was the first day of his new life, his eternal life in glory!  Because of that knowledge, yesterday wasn't bad.  There was only twice that I got teary-eyed, and that's because of things that "outside" people said to me.  It helped that I had a friend over for a quilting party, and had another friend and roommate join us later in the afternoon.  I have such a great supportive friends!

I have come so far in a year.  I remember the night he died, wondering how I would ever how get through it, thinking about how much I had lost.  Although earlier in the day, I remember reminding someone that Jared wasn't mine to lose, he was God's in the first place.  Lots of "nevers" went through my mind that night.  My poor mom had to listen to them all.  Those next few days were hard.  I can still distinctly remember them if I sit and think about them. (I don't like to.)  Part of me still wonders how I spoke at his service.  I know the Lord gave me the strength, but that isn't like me even in a normal situation!  What I said at his service still holds true, people should envy me because I was the only one who had the privileged of being Mrs. Jared Eggemeyer.  I am blessed because God allowed me to have Jared in my life. Back to what I said at the beginning of this paragraph about coming so far.  The Lord has been so faithful.  He says He will, and I am still learning to take Him at His word.  I'm hard-headed.  They say there are stages that people go through when it comes to grief.   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression,  acceptance, just so you know, I had to look them up!  Thankfully, the Lord showed me to accept right off the bat.  I didn't have to go through those other ones.  I never had to ask God why, get depressed, yell my head off, I've been taught God's sovereignty for a long time.  I didn't have to question it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, I've had my moments of pity parties, major crying episodes, frustrations, heartache, and just plain missing Jared, but God has been my strength.  Even in those kind of moments I wouldn't wish Jared back.  Some of those reasons are because I wouldn't want Jared to come back and suffer on this earth, other reasons are because I have been able see God work in amazing ways, and lastly because of the things I have learned through it all.  It isn't easy, but worth it.  I've experienced firsthand the verse from Isaiah 54:4:
For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth.  Pretty amazing!

Back to the beginning, why was I waiting for this day? For some reason I feel that now I can get on with my life without being judged.  I don't know why I think that, because I've been living life anyway!  Hopefully I've lost the "widow" status.  I know that is what I still am, but it doesn't define me like I feel it did a year ago.  I'm sure my thinking is off, like it normally is, and who know how I think of these things! I hope no one takes this last paragraph in a way that it wasn't intended.....

This week was busy, which also helped things.  We had a big event at our church that I have been helping to plan for a couple of months.  We had over 1,000 people there!  It was so much fun.  Here is a pic of me with a grandchild of some other great friends, racing the adult tricycles.  They were fun, I think I need one:

We had fun, and hopefully the families did also!  One story from that event.  I had a woman come up to me and introduce herself to me. She then told me that her son was at the 5th/6th grade camp in June.  She told me that "my story", that was told at camp, had impacted her son and how he's probably told her the story about three times.  See, it is worth it.  If my story, the one that God wrote for me, shows off the glory of God, what more could I ask for?!  In this next year, I pray that I will remember to be the clay in the Potter's hand, allowing Him to continue to mold me the way He wants to.  Trusting Him in everything, giving Him the praise and glory that He alone deserves!

Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp (he also "lost" his spouse)

I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid
There's rest in the shadow of His wings

I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains
If you feel weight of many trials and burdens from this world
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord

And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God

And I have touched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real
He has walked the road before me, he knows just how I feel
When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
Just remember all of Jesus's suffering

'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you
He's near to the broken and confused
By His stripes our spirit is renewed
So enter in the joy prepared for you

I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God