Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I went digging through things again this evening. Thought I'd share some quotes that Jared had written down in his notes. This one must have been a favorite as I saw it a couple of times:

When you recognize God as creator, you will admire Him.
When you recognize His wisdom, you will learn from Him.
When you discover His strength, you will rely on Him.
But only when He saves you, will you worship Him. ~ Max Lucado

Any hour spent in silent prayer, within God's sacred garden here,
brings sweet content within the soul as self I yield to His control.
I set each human problem free and in its place Dear Lord to Thee,
I build an alter deep within, secure from life's depressing den.

How Your grace and love abounds, enough to bring the mountains down.

Healing rain, how could it be, that you my Lord would provide for me.
That your mercies flow from heaven above, sent to each one here on wings of a dove.
Healing touch, so fresh and true, mend me up, restore me to You.
Abba Father, reign in me, change my heart till You I see.
Healing rain, blessed truth, (this is where I'm not sure what it means) sound down, rejoice voice, soul control, grace to face.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Ok. Yesterday was my birthday, 2/22. I tried to keep it quiet because I didn't want a big deal made about it. This past weekend and yesterday were some of the worst days I've had in a long time. The last time I can remember it this bad was last November, three months ago! I had no idea that my birthday would hit me that hard. I remembered last year and how great it was. Jared and I went out to dinner at Abuelos and when we got back to the house, a surprise 30th birthday party awaited me. I never suspected anything! I never expected that a year later my life would be so different. My co-workers were so good with me yesterday and put up with all of my blubbering. Went to Rosa's and even had a piece of cake!

Last night, I was doing some computer work. I happened to notice the counter that allows me know how many days it has been since Jared passed away. The number was 222, how ironic is that! Good thing I'm not superstitious or anything like that, it probably would mean something to someone, but I just thought it was crazy that the days matched.

Hopefully the rest of this week will go better, I'm thinking it will, it can only go up!! :)

Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He give strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young me stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Yesterday morning was a good, then yesterday afternoon happened which has continued into today. I'm going to be honest, I am having a rotten day. I had to begin to do some cleaning out yesterday afternoon. It took two hours to go through many receipts, making certain that they weren't important ones that I needed to keep. I found so many receipts that reminded me of things Jared and I did and places that we went together. Hard, but one more step accomplished. Memories of last year at this time aren't helping either. Changes are happening in my life that I truly believe are good and God is providing for me again, but I can't help but think today,"this isn't what I had planned for my life!!!" I know, the phrase in there that is key, is what I planned. I'm having a hard time focusing on God and that He knows what is best for me. I want run away from everything today, disappear, take my brain and shake it like you would an etch-a-sketch to erase everything. I haven't had a day like this in months and it has not been fun. I will be ok, I will probably be fine tomorrow, if I can get some sleep tonight. That's my other problem, I'm exhausted.

In my cleaning out I did find a little book. I began writing this book when I moved to Midland. It consists of favorite quotes that I have found that I wanted to remember. Here is the one that I read that stood out to me:

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace, nor even blessing, but Himself, my God. 'Tis His to lead me there not mine, but His - "At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!" So faith bounds forward to its goal in God, and love can trust her Lord to lead her there; Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard, till God hath fulfilled my deepest prayer. No matter if the way be sometimes dark, no matter though the cost be oft-times great, He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark, the way that leads to Him must needs to strait. One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay; One thing I do, I press towards my Lord; My God, my glory here from day to day, and in the glory there my great reward! ~ Unknown

As hard as it is to hear that it is during the fire that God refines us, but it is true. I shouldn't complain about days like today because it reminds me that I cannot do this on my own. God must have thought I needed that reminder......I'm listening Lord, even though it is difficult today, refine me in a way that will ultimately bring You glory, and if this is what it takes, keep breaking me down to build me up the way You see fit.

One more quote I just found, quite the ouch!

If my life is surrendered to God, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand, but would be safer in mine! ~ Elisabeth Elliot

Friday, February 19, 2010


I'm sure many of you remember Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter who died a couple of years ago. He came out with a CD called Beauty Will Rise and many of the songs relate to that event in their lives. There is one song on the CD that I think is so good called "Faithful". I love it when I am reminded of how faithful God is to me. I have a big smile on my face right now, I love being His child!

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Getting Better

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. It was so cozy and I needed more sleep! That is the one thing I notice that is different for me. I used to hit the pillow and fall right to sleep. I don't do that anymore. It takes me forever to fall asleep, when I finally do, I'm out for the night, but I can about guarantee that I will not fall asleep until after 11:00pm. It's even worse now that the Olympics are on! :) In other words, I'm tired a lot. Coffee has become my best friend...

I realized yesterday that today was going to be seven months. The thought surprised me, because I usually start dreading those anniversaries long before they come. I thought this morning that Jared has now been in heaven longer than we were engaged and married put together. Yikes! Time flies when you're having.......ok, I wouldn't call it fun. Time just flies. I try my hardest not to cry in front of people, so usually on days that have a significance I try to do most of my crying at home before I get to work. Today was different. When I thought about the fact that Jared had been gone longer, etc., I didn't break down at all like I should have. Is that a sign that things are getting better? Or is this a one time deal? (that's my pessimistic side talking.) I had to tell someone I was a widow this past week. That usually will end in lots of tears, and although I felt them coming on, acknowledging the "widow" fact didn't grip me like it has in the past. Another surprise. I'd like to think that I am slowly healing, not that I'm healed completely, and things are getting better. I'm getting even more used to my life now, and like I said a week or so ago, I'm making plans again.

Random story that I thought was cool. I was talking with someone who knew Jared very well. He told me that Jared was a man who was wise beyond his years and he wishes that he could be half the man that Jared was. That was so great for me to hear! The way Jared lived his life is still being remembered and being used as an example to others!! One more thing to make these last seven months worth it!!

My impatience is showing again this week. I want to finish some things that I'm unable to, because of having to wait on other things. Then I see the picture on my desk that some great friends gave to me....the verse Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I take a deep sigh and say, "yes Lord, You are right, Your timing is always perfect, and in the mean time, I need to remain still."

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Well it's Valentines Day, nothing like stating the obvious. I've always considered Valentine's Day as a day that was set up to allow Hallmark another day to make money. :) Today, I recall the two Valentine's days that I was privileged to have with Jared. The first one we had together was so sweet. A couple of months ago I even found a handwritten list of things he had planned to do and get for that day. He decorated his house beautifully, cooked dinner, then we watched a movie. It was also the day he first asked if he could kiss me. The poor guy, I had always wanted to hold out and kiss only one guy in my life, so I told him no. (We'd only been dating for 2 months and I wasn't quite sure yet!) I was so thankful that he asked me instead of just going for it. He was the perfect gentleman!

I am so thankful that I was been able to celebrate two Valentine's Days with the mostest wonderful man. He changed my opinion a little about this day. It was a great excuse to have a nice quiet evening with him, not spending a fortune, just setting aside a time to be together. For that I am grateful. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.....Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Next few months

I just read the last couple of posts. My goodness, I've been depressed. My last post was written after about 3 nights of little sleep. Cloudy days, lack of sleep, stress, feeling sorry for myself = Beth in a crabby mood. And that's what was happening, feeling like for every one step forward, I was getting pushed back three. Not that much has changed since Monday, but thankfully my attitude is better. Sometimes I don't even like to be around me......

I am trying to begin to plan out my life again. I know, the plans could go out the window in a moments notice, but I'm becoming ok with that. I have been attempting to "live life again", but there is this sense of guilt that I shouldn't be having fun. It is a silly thing to say because I'm sure Jared is having fun where he is, so why can't I?! :) I've planned my next vacation, going to a state I've never been to. Have made other plans to travel in state for a weekend. Planning on going to 5th/6th grade church camp this summer. That should be fun, I've never attended camp either as a child or a staff member. I think this "Sarge" can handle it though. :) I'm looking forward to all of these new adventures. Never a dull moment in my life!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Psalm 3

I have great parents. They gave us the opportunity to be home-schooled (that's not the only reason why I think they are great). Because we were home-schooled, one of the things that we were able to do is memorize scripture as part of our education. I still remember the passages of scripture that I memorized as a child and quite often those passages bring comfort to me. I whispered Psalm 23 in Jared's ear many times when his fevers were high or when he was shaking uncontrollably or when he and I were feeling overwhelmed by everything. I'm so grateful for my parents that "made" us memorize scripture. I wish it was as easy to memorize now as it was when I was a kid.
Today, one of the first Psalms I learned came to mind, Psalm 3, and this line stood out:

But thou O Lord are a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter up of my head.

I've felt a bit overwhelmed today. Even though that is what I'm feeling, it is encouraging to remember that He is the lifter up of my head and He will sustain me.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

~All that I Can Say, David Crowder Band

Saturday, February 6, 2010


I was able to watch the funeral service of the gentleman that I wrote about on the previous post. The service was "televised" online. I cried, seeing the family walk in, watching his wife, is what really did me in. She spoke about what a wonderful godly man her husband was. It made me smile as I was reminded of Jared's service when we all talked about what a great godly man Jared was too. The pastor at this service had a good sermon, he talked about finishing the course as a Christian.

He used Acts 20:24 But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, in order that I may finish my course, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God.

That verse triggered something that my pastor talked about at Jared's service.

He used Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I never write in my Bible, occasionally I will underline a verse or two that means something to me. I found these underlined verses today while working on a Bible study.

Philippians 3:7 Whatever things were gained to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. v. 10-14 that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

These men, our husbands, pressed on, they have attained the resurrection from the dead, they are now perfect.

Today gave me a great reminder and a renewed focus. I need to go back to running the race, pressing on, staying the course, not letting the encumbrances and sin that entangles me to weigh me down. Also, not considering my life dear to me, Christ gave up His life to save me, the least I can do is testify to the grace of God in my life.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tough week

It's been a tough week. I'm having to go back and hold on to everything that God has been teaching me these last few months. I have a good friend that is going through a tough time right now and it just breaks my heart to see her and her husband suffering. (just received good news on that front!)

Received the news today that a relative of some family friends passed away last night. I've followed the wife's blog for months now and my heart just aches for his wife and small children as they are going through this season. (This man was younger than Jared.) This news has taken me back to July and those first few hours and days, remembering the mixed emotions that I had. The emptiness, loneliness, overwhelming sadness, thoughts of 'how will I ever get through this', but yet relief that Jared wasn't suffering anymore, rejoicing that he was with his Savior. Life is forever changed when you experience a loss of a spouse, or any loss for that matter. I understand the loss of a spouse, so I can only speak from that perspective. It saddens me to know that this wife is going to walk the same road that I've been on, and she is just starting out. As much as I would like to fast-forward my life, I am certain that she probably wants that even more so right now. I remember wishing that I didn't have to go through the visitation and funeral. I was tired, emotional and just wanted to be alone. Clarification, you all were wonderful and encouraging and I am extremely grateful for how you supported us the way you did. Couldn't have done it without you! It was all just emotionally draining.

I am certain that I've said this before but without Christ this journey would, for lack of a better term, suck. I know this woman is an amazing woman of God and she will also get to experience the strength that only God can give her. Leaning on the Lord during a 'tragedy' will give you an awesome perspective of how great of a God we serve and how great His affections are for us! What more could I ask for?

How He Loves Us - David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us.