Honesty

Yesterday morning was a good, then yesterday afternoon happened which has continued into today. I'm going to be honest, I am having a rotten day. I had to begin to do some cleaning out yesterday afternoon. It took two hours to go through many receipts, making certain that they weren't important ones that I needed to keep. I found so many receipts that reminded me of things Jared and I did and places that we went together. Hard, but one more step accomplished. Memories of last year at this time aren't helping either. Changes are happening in my life that I truly believe are good and God is providing for me again, but I can't help but think today,"this isn't what I had planned for my life!!!" I know, the phrase in there that is key, is what I planned. I'm having a hard time focusing on God and that He knows what is best for me. I want run away from everything today, disappear, take my brain and shake it like you would an etch-a-sketch to erase everything. I haven't had a day like this in months and it has not been fun. I will be ok, I will probably be fine tomorrow, if I can get some sleep tonight. That's my other problem, I'm exhausted.

In my cleaning out I did find a little book. I began writing this book when I moved to Midland. It consists of favorite quotes that I have found that I wanted to remember. Here is the one that I read that stood out to me:

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace, nor even blessing, but Himself, my God. 'Tis His to lead me there not mine, but His - "At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!" So faith bounds forward to its goal in God, and love can trust her Lord to lead her there; Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard, till God hath fulfilled my deepest prayer. No matter if the way be sometimes dark, no matter though the cost be oft-times great, He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark, the way that leads to Him must needs to strait. One thing I know, I cannot say Him nay; One thing I do, I press towards my Lord; My God, my glory here from day to day, and in the glory there my great reward! ~ Unknown

As hard as it is to hear that it is during the fire that God refines us, but it is true. I shouldn't complain about days like today because it reminds me that I cannot do this on my own. God must have thought I needed that reminder......I'm listening Lord, even though it is difficult today, refine me in a way that will ultimately bring You glory, and if this is what it takes, keep breaking me down to build me up the way You see fit.

One more quote I just found, quite the ouch!

If my life is surrendered to God, all is well. Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand, but would be safer in mine! ~ Elisabeth Elliot