Too tired to title

I'm still at work, well I'm not actually working, off the clock now. I know if I go home, I will have to laundry or something like that and I don't want to tonight. If I stall long enough, it will be too late to wash and dry my clothes. :)

I had a great weekend with family and friends. We went floating down the river on Sunday and then ate at a great restaurant. Got a bit sunburned, I know, surprise, surprise! Monday we went to a peach processing place, got some great (free!) peaches, and ate at an authentic German restaurant, I love good food, especially good bratwursts! The scale is beginning to prove that too!! :) Actually, I'm running/walking every morning, and people tell me that muscle weighs more than fat, but I wish the poundage numbers would go the other direction! I digress..... Camped for the first time in years. I actually enjoyed weekend camping. My childhood camping experiences consisted of camping because we were in between houses. When I think of camping, I think of camping for weeks on end and in the heat of August! So much better when it is for a couple of days, I think I could even handle it for a week or so. Went hiking, I so miss having places to do that around here! I'll have to post pictures of the countryside, taken from the car....

I've been really struggling the last week or so with my attitude. I know some of it is because I haven't been in the Word like I should be. Enough said but I'll continue. I know some of it is also because of certain days that are "marked." Days like yesterday just send reminders through my head. Not that I want to forget, but don't want to have my life revolve around specific days anymore. Yesterday would have been a year since Jared went into the hospital for the last time. Last year on this day, we found out that Jared's blood work was really wacky and my first thought, when they told me the numbers, was that it was leukemia. I wasn't right, but not too far off. When I think back now, my gut told me that it was the beginning of the end. Thinking about all that also reminds me of how much he suffered in those final weeks. Something I try not to think about and haven't in a very long time. To be blunt, I cannot wait until July 17th, the day after he went to be with the Lord. I'm not dreading it, in fact, I think it will be a relief. One year....I'm sure I will still mark certain days, but it will be different, not so much of a countdown. I hold it together so much better nowadays when these memories come, I just become grumpy and antisocial instead!!

I also read a blog today that got me thinking about contentment. I'm just not content. Another reason for grumpiness! I know I should be content, but I'm not. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I really want to get married again. There, I said it. It is something I have avoided saying for fear of people criticizing me or getting upset. It's the truth though. Yes, Jared was my "first love", but that doesn't mean I can't love again. In fact, I fully plan on it, and Lord willing, soon! Not only am I not content in that, I'm just not content period. Except for my job, and sometimes that even has me discontent. I have the itch right now to travel and see the world, but I have responsibilities here. I wouldn't mind moving away from Midland, but haven't a clue as to where I would like to move. Part of me wants to go back to school, but I don't know exactly what I want to do though. I feel like my life is at a standstill, in a rut, non-productive, not living life to the fullest. Something that I promised myself I would try to do. I know I'm not being everything that God has gifted me to be right now and that is where I know most of the attitude comes from. Guilt of not being the Christ-follower that I should be, just being plain stubborn.

I guess that is enough venting for the evening......I better go home and read my Bible for a while......

One verse I did read today, good reminder, and it helped my attitude somewhat:

And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11