Sorry to those who actually read this, it is one of those emotional days for me. I'll be laying my heart out there for you all to see.
As you can see by the title it is a significant day. It was six months ago today that I married the best man in the world! I was determined this morning that this day would not bring me down. Started off the day by reading the Word, asking God to give me a joyous day, and off to work I went. My dad called me telling me to check my email, which I did. What awaited me was some wonderful news, but then the emotions hit. Receiving that news was so bittersweet, and what bothered me the most was that I didn't have my husband here to share in the news. He would be so happy! It made me miss him so much more.
That began the downward spiral of my day. Things that I have no control over started bothering me. I had to fight back my tears as people discussed Christmas during a meeting at work. Believe me, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so don't feel like you can't talk about the holidays around me, etc., but it is just hard for me to think about the holidays, knowing that I will never spend a Christmas with Jared as his wife. It is also the day that we got engaged which will make it even harder. I would love for the holidays to disappear this year, but I know that won't happen, so I must make the most of it!
I feel like such a failure on days like this. I shouldn't be so emotional, that just means that I'm not trusting God with everything. After all, "He knows the plans that He has for me". It means that I'm not rejoicing in the fact that Jared is in heaven, with His Savior, worshipping at His feet. It also means that I'm not relying on His strength to see me through these tough times. I told this to a friend today, and she looked at me with a screwed up face, saying didn't Jesus weep for His friend Lazarus?! Beth, God gave you these emotions! (I have the best co-workers!) Yes, she is right, but unfortunately, I'm a perfectionist. I want to work through this grief, trusting God that He will see me through, giving me the strength to handle everything.
Lord, please lead me in the path that you want me to go, leaning on You as my only source of strength. Please keep my thoughts fixed on You, knowing that You hold my life in your hands.
A line from a song comes to my mind "the darker the night, the brighter He can shine". I guess right now, as the tears flow down my face, I hope that although this a was dark day for me, tomorrow will be better, and I will be the vessel that He shines through.
Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Believe me, I'm holding on to that tonight!! :)
Thanks all for your prayers, and for listening.