I was listening to a sermon online that was preached at our church recently. I had been unable to hear the whole thing because I had to leave early. The pastor was preaching on the fact that God is in control and we don't have a say in our lives. He used a passage in Job and I caught something that I've never noticed before. For lack of a better term, God set Job up. I had it in my mind that Satan had come to God asking to test Job. That is not the case. In Job 1:7 Satan walks in, God asks him where he came from and Satan answers that he was roaming around the earth. In the next verse, God out of the blue says "have you considered my servant Job?" God gave Satan the idea to ask to test Job!!! I never caught that before, it made me wonder what else I've missed in the Bible. It did prove something that I already believe, that God allows tragedy to happen in our lives and that no one is immune to trials and tribulation. The great thing about it though is that He promises to be there there every step of the way.
I was asked this week if I was getting stronger. My first reaction was, yes, I am. I'm doing pretty good, no major breakdowns lately etc. The more I thought about it though I realized that no, I'm actually weaker. I'm just learning to depend on God more and in turn I am able to rely on the strength that HE gives me. Let's just hope I continue to remember that.........I forget a lot.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
All over the place
My emotions have been all over the place today. No reason. By the way, it was actually a good day too. I know, it doesn't make sense. Got a little teary, ok, maybe a little more than teary, when I was discussing heaven with some co-workers. They weren't sad tears though, it was the thought that Jared had all the answers to the questions that we were asking one another! The jealously factor came out and I began to long for heaven all the more again. I know my "job" on earth isn't done yet, so I need to focus on that. It also helps to have great co-workers who make me laugh when I start to get teary....thanks ladies!! :)
Looking at a journal today, got to the end and what verse was used as an example....you guessed it...Jeremiah 29:11. I always have the verse in my head, it's hanging up in my house, and one of the last things I see before I leave in the morning. I just hadn't had it jump out at me in an unexpected place lately. Good to see it, caused a few more tears, but it always seems like God is talking straight to me when that happens.
Heard a song today and one line was "I was blessed because I was loved by you." Again, the tears came, but I was still able to smile. I was so blessed and actually, I still am.
So, it was a bit of a weepy day, but they weren't sad tears and only lasted for a few moments.
I have been very reluctant to join any grief classes. I've thought that maybe it's been my pride, that I'm doing ok, etc. It finally dawned on me today, while talking with someone else, that I don't want to because I don't want to focus on me/my emotions/my feelings. I think I have mentioned before that I am inclined/like to read about other people who have lost a loved one. It is helpful for me to read their response to grief and how God work in their life to help them through it. I finally realized that is the reason for my reluctance. Don't get me wrong, I think those classes are great for people, and I may eventually want to attend, who knows. What I'm saying is that I know my personality, if I focus too much on myself and begin to have a pity party, I may fall apart. :) Right now, I'd rather keep my focus off of me and looking upwards towards Christ instead. Honestly, that's where my focus should be anyway, no matter what is going on in my life. It is not about me, although sometimes it may seem like it is! :)
That was my day.
Looking at a journal today, got to the end and what verse was used as an example....you guessed it...Jeremiah 29:11. I always have the verse in my head, it's hanging up in my house, and one of the last things I see before I leave in the morning. I just hadn't had it jump out at me in an unexpected place lately. Good to see it, caused a few more tears, but it always seems like God is talking straight to me when that happens.
Heard a song today and one line was "I was blessed because I was loved by you." Again, the tears came, but I was still able to smile. I was so blessed and actually, I still am.
So, it was a bit of a weepy day, but they weren't sad tears and only lasted for a few moments.
I have been very reluctant to join any grief classes. I've thought that maybe it's been my pride, that I'm doing ok, etc. It finally dawned on me today, while talking with someone else, that I don't want to because I don't want to focus on me/my emotions/my feelings. I think I have mentioned before that I am inclined/like to read about other people who have lost a loved one. It is helpful for me to read their response to grief and how God work in their life to help them through it. I finally realized that is the reason for my reluctance. Don't get me wrong, I think those classes are great for people, and I may eventually want to attend, who knows. What I'm saying is that I know my personality, if I focus too much on myself and begin to have a pity party, I may fall apart. :) Right now, I'd rather keep my focus off of me and looking upwards towards Christ instead. Honestly, that's where my focus should be anyway, no matter what is going on in my life. It is not about me, although sometimes it may seem like it is! :)
That was my day.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Ponderings
Someone gave me a verse this week to think on. I've been thinking about it for a few days and decided to look it up today. I looked it up, but then looked at the whole passage, or at least the section of how my Bible divided it.
Matthew 10:24-39
The passage talks about not fearing those who can kill the body but are unable to kill the soul, rather fear Him who can do both. The hairs on our head are numbered, and if God watches the sparrows don't you think that He cares for us because we are of more value?! The interesting part for me was the end. It's something that I've talked about before, but I hadn't looked at this passage. Verse 34, Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. The next verse says how He will set relatives against each other, then verse 37-39 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.
Everyone prays for peace and love in the world. God talks about peace and love also, but look at what He says in this passage. Because of Him there will be strife. He wants us to love Him above everyone else in our lives. We are selfish people, myself included. We expect to have everything and we wonder "why" when we don't get what we want, when something goes wrong or relationships don't work out. We shouldn't wonder, God says it is going to happen. For some reason, I have never felt like I need to ask God "why". I usually have to know the ins and outs of everything. I remember saying to someone "why not me, why am I special that nothing 'bad' should ever happen to me." I still feel that way. I am actually grateful. Grateful for the time I did have Jared, and grateful for all the things that I have learned in these past few months. My relationship with Christ is so much stronger and I pray that I will continue to strive to do what this passage says, love Him above all else and to take up my cross and follow Him.
Matthew 10:24-39
The passage talks about not fearing those who can kill the body but are unable to kill the soul, rather fear Him who can do both. The hairs on our head are numbered, and if God watches the sparrows don't you think that He cares for us because we are of more value?! The interesting part for me was the end. It's something that I've talked about before, but I hadn't looked at this passage. Verse 34, Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. The next verse says how He will set relatives against each other, then verse 37-39 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.
Everyone prays for peace and love in the world. God talks about peace and love also, but look at what He says in this passage. Because of Him there will be strife. He wants us to love Him above everyone else in our lives. We are selfish people, myself included. We expect to have everything and we wonder "why" when we don't get what we want, when something goes wrong or relationships don't work out. We shouldn't wonder, God says it is going to happen. For some reason, I have never felt like I need to ask God "why". I usually have to know the ins and outs of everything. I remember saying to someone "why not me, why am I special that nothing 'bad' should ever happen to me." I still feel that way. I am actually grateful. Grateful for the time I did have Jared, and grateful for all the things that I have learned in these past few months. My relationship with Christ is so much stronger and I pray that I will continue to strive to do what this passage says, love Him above all else and to take up my cross and follow Him.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Patience
I realized that this blog pretty much consists of what God is teaching me, what emotions I have had that day, or things that I'm dealing with. It doesn't actually say anything about what I'm doing or what my life is like now. I don't think I will change my blog too much, but I'll try to be better about adding more "personal" random things that are going on in my life. It's hard to keep my spiritual life and my regular life separate when I work at a church! That's probably a good thing.
I had good weekend. Didn't accomplish anything besides getting my kitchen cleaned up, reading a book, and some of my Bible study. A couple of my co-workers and I are going through Beth Moore's study on Esther. It's been good so far. My stove top decided to pop again and sparks flew this time......I turned it off via the breaker. Repair men came to fix it last week, but when they turned it back on, the stove gave the same loud pop that I had heard weeks ago. They are supposed to return this week with another part...can't wait until I can cook again.
Work is good, very busy with some added duties lately. That's ok, although I do not have a hard time going home to an "empty" house, it still is nice to have so much work that you can't think too much. :) Please don't think that I'm doing what some psychologist would tell you that I am doing, avoiding, throwing myself into work so that I don't have to deal with things. That is not the case, believe me. I'm a workaholic from way back.
Ok, enough of that, back to my normal blogging discussions.
I am not a very patient person. I should be, I've had great teachers (the people who have been so patient with me these last six months). I feel like I'm a little kid trying to see over the counter but not quite being able to see because I'm too short. (Yes, Dad, I'm finally admitting it.) I'm not being very patient lately when it comes to wanting to know what God has in store for me, the plans He has for me. I want to see what is around the next bend. I want to speed things up a little so I can finish getting my "house" in order. There are things that are held up right now that aren't allowing me to take some other steps that I need to. I hate living in limbo like I have been, I'm ready for things to settle down and to have that "boring" life. Hey, I can always hope!! Unfortunately, I then read quotes like this: "We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it's God who is shaking them." ~ Charles West. I think He likes to do that to me! :) It's ok though, keeps me relying on Him. Anyway, that is where I am after this weekend. I know, He makes everything beautiful in HIS time, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to help Him along! :)
I had good weekend. Didn't accomplish anything besides getting my kitchen cleaned up, reading a book, and some of my Bible study. A couple of my co-workers and I are going through Beth Moore's study on Esther. It's been good so far. My stove top decided to pop again and sparks flew this time......I turned it off via the breaker. Repair men came to fix it last week, but when they turned it back on, the stove gave the same loud pop that I had heard weeks ago. They are supposed to return this week with another part...can't wait until I can cook again.
Work is good, very busy with some added duties lately. That's ok, although I do not have a hard time going home to an "empty" house, it still is nice to have so much work that you can't think too much. :) Please don't think that I'm doing what some psychologist would tell you that I am doing, avoiding, throwing myself into work so that I don't have to deal with things. That is not the case, believe me. I'm a workaholic from way back.
Ok, enough of that, back to my normal blogging discussions.
I am not a very patient person. I should be, I've had great teachers (the people who have been so patient with me these last six months). I feel like I'm a little kid trying to see over the counter but not quite being able to see because I'm too short. (Yes, Dad, I'm finally admitting it.) I'm not being very patient lately when it comes to wanting to know what God has in store for me, the plans He has for me. I want to see what is around the next bend. I want to speed things up a little so I can finish getting my "house" in order. There are things that are held up right now that aren't allowing me to take some other steps that I need to. I hate living in limbo like I have been, I'm ready for things to settle down and to have that "boring" life. Hey, I can always hope!! Unfortunately, I then read quotes like this: "We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it's God who is shaking them." ~ Charles West. I think He likes to do that to me! :) It's ok though, keeps me relying on Him. Anyway, that is where I am after this weekend. I know, He makes everything beautiful in HIS time, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to help Him along! :)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Hmmm...
Sometimes I don't know what to think. Some Sundays are good, and others are not. I'm thankful that today was a good Sunday. The memory of not having Jared here with me is always in my mind, but some days are easier than others. There are days that I see a picture of him and smile, other days the tears start come. Same with songs that I hear, especially during worship on Sundays. (They usually get me the worst!) Today they sang a song that on other days would start me crying, but today I could rejoice, smiling while I sang, it was great!
Part of the words were:
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
-Still by Hillsong
I loved the line that said "I will be still and know you are God." So often lately I have been forgetting that, not understanding why God is allowing certain things to happen. So many things have changed in my life, but there are some things that I didn't anticipate would happen. God seems to be slowly peeling things away in my life, forcing me to trust in Him completely. Refinement is not something that we volunteer for saying, "pick me Lord, I'm willing". Although I didn't pick it either, I am so extremely grateful that I have the most awesomest God who walks right beside me. People may fail us, hurt or disappointment may creep in, life may seem like a huge storm, but He is the King over it all. We just need to be still and know He is God. That's what I'm going to try to do this week.
My week slowly improved after Monday. Thankfully! I'm getting more and more used to my life now, although I'm sure you can tell I don't always like it. :) It reminds me of when my parents used to tell me "because I said so", without giving a reason. The same way it is with our Heavenly Father. I don't understand the reason and He hasn't given me one, but again I don't know the big picture, so I still have to trust that God has a plan!!! God isn't letting me forget that either!
Thanks all!!
Part of the words were:
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
-Still by Hillsong
I loved the line that said "I will be still and know you are God." So often lately I have been forgetting that, not understanding why God is allowing certain things to happen. So many things have changed in my life, but there are some things that I didn't anticipate would happen. God seems to be slowly peeling things away in my life, forcing me to trust in Him completely. Refinement is not something that we volunteer for saying, "pick me Lord, I'm willing". Although I didn't pick it either, I am so extremely grateful that I have the most awesomest God who walks right beside me. People may fail us, hurt or disappointment may creep in, life may seem like a huge storm, but He is the King over it all. We just need to be still and know He is God. That's what I'm going to try to do this week.
My week slowly improved after Monday. Thankfully! I'm getting more and more used to my life now, although I'm sure you can tell I don't always like it. :) It reminds me of when my parents used to tell me "because I said so", without giving a reason. The same way it is with our Heavenly Father. I don't understand the reason and He hasn't given me one, but again I don't know the big picture, so I still have to trust that God has a plan!!! God isn't letting me forget that either!
Thanks all!!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sixth Month Anniversary
Sorry to those who actually read this, it is one of those emotional days for me. I'll be laying my heart out there for you all to see.
As you can see by the title it is a significant day. It was six months ago today that I married the best man in the world! I was determined this morning that this day would not bring me down. Started off the day by reading the Word, asking God to give me a joyous day, and off to work I went. My dad called me telling me to check my email, which I did. What awaited me was some wonderful news, but then the emotions hit. Receiving that news was so bittersweet, and what bothered me the most was that I didn't have my husband here to share in the news. He would be so happy! It made me miss him so much more.
That began the downward spiral of my day. Things that I have no control over started bothering me. I had to fight back my tears as people discussed Christmas during a meeting at work. Believe me, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so don't feel like you can't talk about the holidays around me, etc., but it is just hard for me to think about the holidays, knowing that I will never spend a Christmas with Jared as his wife. It is also the day that we got engaged which will make it even harder. I would love for the holidays to disappear this year, but I know that won't happen, so I must make the most of it!
I feel like such a failure on days like this. I shouldn't be so emotional, that just means that I'm not trusting God with everything. After all, "He knows the plans that He has for me". It means that I'm not rejoicing in the fact that Jared is in heaven, with His Savior, worshipping at His feet. It also means that I'm not relying on His strength to see me through these tough times. I told this to a friend today, and she looked at me with a screwed up face, saying didn't Jesus weep for His friend Lazarus?! Beth, God gave you these emotions! (I have the best co-workers!) Yes, she is right, but unfortunately, I'm a perfectionist. I want to work through this grief, trusting God that He will see me through, giving me the strength to handle everything.
Lord, please lead me in the path that you want me to go, leaning on You as my only source of strength. Please keep my thoughts fixed on You, knowing that You hold my life in your hands.
A line from a song comes to my mind "the darker the night, the brighter He can shine". I guess right now, as the tears flow down my face, I hope that although this a was dark day for me, tomorrow will be better, and I will be the vessel that He shines through.
Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Believe me, I'm holding on to that tonight!! :)
Thanks all for your prayers, and for listening.
As you can see by the title it is a significant day. It was six months ago today that I married the best man in the world! I was determined this morning that this day would not bring me down. Started off the day by reading the Word, asking God to give me a joyous day, and off to work I went. My dad called me telling me to check my email, which I did. What awaited me was some wonderful news, but then the emotions hit. Receiving that news was so bittersweet, and what bothered me the most was that I didn't have my husband here to share in the news. He would be so happy! It made me miss him so much more.
That began the downward spiral of my day. Things that I have no control over started bothering me. I had to fight back my tears as people discussed Christmas during a meeting at work. Believe me, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, so don't feel like you can't talk about the holidays around me, etc., but it is just hard for me to think about the holidays, knowing that I will never spend a Christmas with Jared as his wife. It is also the day that we got engaged which will make it even harder. I would love for the holidays to disappear this year, but I know that won't happen, so I must make the most of it!
I feel like such a failure on days like this. I shouldn't be so emotional, that just means that I'm not trusting God with everything. After all, "He knows the plans that He has for me". It means that I'm not rejoicing in the fact that Jared is in heaven, with His Savior, worshipping at His feet. It also means that I'm not relying on His strength to see me through these tough times. I told this to a friend today, and she looked at me with a screwed up face, saying didn't Jesus weep for His friend Lazarus?! Beth, God gave you these emotions! (I have the best co-workers!) Yes, she is right, but unfortunately, I'm a perfectionist. I want to work through this grief, trusting God that He will see me through, giving me the strength to handle everything.
Lord, please lead me in the path that you want me to go, leaning on You as my only source of strength. Please keep my thoughts fixed on You, knowing that You hold my life in your hands.
A line from a song comes to my mind "the darker the night, the brighter He can shine". I guess right now, as the tears flow down my face, I hope that although this a was dark day for me, tomorrow will be better, and I will be the vessel that He shines through.
Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Believe me, I'm holding on to that tonight!! :)
Thanks all for your prayers, and for listening.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Fall....
What a beautiful Saturday in west Texas! I had to be out of the house by 7:45 am this morning. My church has a wonderful ministry to single moms and widows called the 'Car Care Clinic'. You can take your vehicle there and they change the oil, check fluid levels and just make sure everything is in proper running condition. Thanks so much to everyone who was giving up their Saturday to help, I appreciated it immensely!
I came home and decided since it was so nice I should get some yard work accomplished. Spent the next hour raking the yard and sweeping the driveway. I love all the trees in my front yard, but I'm beginning to realize this is going to be a weekly chore for many weeks to come. I did remember the gloves this time, so no blisters!! It was so nice to get out into God's creation, while enjoying a high school band playing somewhere near my house. Fall is such a beautiful time!
As I blog, I have the music of Hillsong playing in the background. Sometime this summer, someone sent me the link to the song "Desert Song", and it quickly became one of my favorite songs.
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm in His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow
I've learned that when I keep my focus on God either by spending time reading His word, working through a Bible study or listening to worship music, my days are so much better!
Today is good, God still God, and I have reasons to sing!
I came home and decided since it was so nice I should get some yard work accomplished. Spent the next hour raking the yard and sweeping the driveway. I love all the trees in my front yard, but I'm beginning to realize this is going to be a weekly chore for many weeks to come. I did remember the gloves this time, so no blisters!! It was so nice to get out into God's creation, while enjoying a high school band playing somewhere near my house. Fall is such a beautiful time!
As I blog, I have the music of Hillsong playing in the background. Sometime this summer, someone sent me the link to the song "Desert Song", and it quickly became one of my favorite songs.
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm in His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow
I've learned that when I keep my focus on God either by spending time reading His word, working through a Bible study or listening to worship music, my days are so much better!
Today is good, God still God, and I have reasons to sing!
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