I've been struggling lately with letting my mind wander. I tend to borrow trouble if I can. I have said in previous posts that if I keep my mind focused on Christ, I feel much better about my situation. Lately, I've been having a difficult time with that. Not necessarily the fact that I'm not focusing on Christ, but that I'm worrying much more about what the future holds. The future is confusing and when I don't have clear direction as to how to proceed with certain decisions, the worrying begins. I'm sure I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know I need to pray more, worrying will just cause me more stress and really doesn't help in the long run. Easier said than done.
The month of December holds a lot more memories about Jared then the past few months have held. If I think about them for a couple of minutes, I will usually do ok, even smiling about what we did share. When I begin to dwell on all the "nevers" my emotions start to run rampant. I'll admit, I am dreading Christmas. I considered running away this Christmas, somewhere where no one else was, and just escaping, but I can't. I'm going back to the frigid north to visit my family, and to be there to see my sister get married. My family is great; they all said I didn't have to come back, especially if it was going to be too difficult for me to handle. I've determined that would be selfish of me. This may be one of the hardest things that I will have to deal with, but I must. Yes, my stubbornness is showing, I'm not a redhead for nothing. :) I know that if I don't go, I will eventually regret not being there for my sister and future bro-in-law. Back to borrowing trouble. I worry about not being able to make it through the ceremony without losing it, making my family's life miserable, taking away from my sister's wedding day, being the Eeyour with the dark rain cloud at Christmas. Doesn't that sound uplifting?! I have to stop thinking about all the negative things that perhaps could happen and remember that God still has a plan for my life and His timing is always perfect!
Ok, everything written above was penned last night. Just to show you how God works....
Today I'm doing much better, but woke up with the same worrisome thoughts about finances, decisions about my house, etc. looming over my head. This is the God part. Today at lunch one of my co-workers reminded me that God has always provided for his family, no matter the what the circumstances were. It made me go back and think about all the ways that God has provided for me these past few months. The constant reminders today of His faithfulness to me have been incredible. I think I need to do something that someone once suggested to me. Every day, write down one thing that I'm thankful for/how God has blessed me and post it somewhere that I can see it all day long. My personality is to get weighed down in all the "bad" things and forget the good. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not in charge and remember that the One who holds my tomorrows is walking with me every step of the way!