I'm not sure why I have become so reflective this week. I usually write when I'm not doing very good or I just need to vent. That has not been the case this week. I've used this site as more of a journal this week. I don't usually journal, I said I was going to start when Jared passed away, but I'm too lazy. So for those of you who read this, this is my only journal, my ramblings, that I will some day look back on.
Today I picked up a book that someone made for me. It is book of all the posts that were written on Caringbridge, the ones that were written by me (mostly) and the ones that were written to us by family and friends. It was such a wonderful gift! On July 16th, many of you wrote posts expressing your sympathy. I did read them at the time, but I know my mind wasn't really in it and I didn't read them very carefully. I tried a couple of months ago to pick it up, but after reading a few entries, I had to put it down. For some reason I picked it up today. Mind you I still cried when I read it, but primarily it was a reminder of the amazing outpouring of love for us. You all have been wonderful! I came across one post that I don't remember, but is so fitting for what I've been thinking about this week. A poem written by Ellen Cuomo:
Faith is risking what is for what is yet to be.
It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones.
Faith is holding on when you want to let go.
It is letting go when you want to hold on.
Faith is saying yes when everything else says no.
It is believing all things are possible in the midst of impossibilities.
Faith is looking beyond what is and trusting for what will be.
It is the presence of light in darkness, the presence of God in all.
I mentioned the "stripping" away that God seems to be doing in my life right now. Not only does He seem to be doing that, He seems to be prompting me to start taking those small steps of faith. I get Grief Share daily emails sent to me, and maybe, I'm reading into things, but some of the titles this week were "moving on", and "saying goodbye". They weren't telling me that it was time or anything like that, but it did make me start to think. I was also reminded of the line from It's a Wonderful Life" when George says, 'I want to live again'. Just to clarify, what I'm saying doesn't mean that I'm ready for this, in fact, I don't know if I will ever be ready to move on, but what I'm saying is that if God wants me to take that leap of faith, those steps forward, letting go when I want to hold on, I must. I am His child which means that when my Dad tells me I have to do something, it is my responsibility to obey. That last line made me realize that this is not going to be easy. Take a deep breath Beth, you don't have to do it alone!! That leads me to the last thing that I was thinking about today..
I have to Be still and know that He is God. Part of another song that I thought of:
Still, I want to be still.
Let me be ok, with the quiet in my heart.
Still, I want to be still,
I'm so quick to move,
instead of listening to You.
I'm your child tame my heart
Obedience, to me impart,
That's all for now, I must get back to making cookies, and watching Scrooge!