I cannot wait for 2009 to be over. It seems like if its not one thing its another, the year of ups and downs. I had the greatest day of my life and the worst day of my life in the span 3 months, and quite a few other days that I would consider rank fairly high in the "worst" category. :)
Having said that, it's been an emotional week. I sometimes I wish I wasn't such an emotional person. I inherited my crying genes from one of my parents, and if you know my family at all, I'm sure you can guess who it is. I wish I could hold it all in, all the time. I get tired of crying in front of people. Tears will commence for various reasons: memories, people asking me how I am doing, people that are so very kind to me when they don't have to be, being overwhelmed by things I can't control and decisions that I have to make, and the major one lately is just really missing Jared.
It has now been two years since my first date with Jared on December 8, 2007. I remember the first time that we actually met (which was a month before). We were with a group of people and we really didn't get a chance to talk to each other. The funny part was, was that everyone in attendance that night, had at one point told both of us individually that we needed to meet. Jared & I talked about that first meeting later on and we both said that we felt indifferent in regards to each other. That changed very quickly. After that first date and the week that followed, I think there was only one day in the next 19 months that we didn't either talk to or see each other. I know that I only had him for 19 months, which quite truthfully doesn't sound like very much time, but it didn't take us very long to realize that God brought us together. Also, we were only married for 75 days, again doesn't sound like very long, but on the day we were married we became one. No matter the length of time involved, the bond between a husband and wife is amazing! I'm so grateful that I got to experience that bond with Jared. May you all cherish the spouse that God has given you!
This is a quote from someone else who lost a spouse recently, "I am content with where I am, but I do not feel complete." To an extent that is true for me also, thankfully God has been faithful to fill a lot of the void that is left, which helps with some of the completeness. The human side of me doesn't feel complete though! :)
Today's sermon at church reminded me of what my focus needs to be on right now. Our pastor talked about our willingness to give up everything for the sake of Christ, using the story of Mary and Joseph. Their lives were turned upside down when Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit through Mary. They could have continued to do their own thing, but instead there are verses that say "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him" (Matt 1:24) that prove otherwise. As Christians are we willing to do all that the Lord commands us? I need to remember not to follow my own agenda but allow God to work in my life for HIS glorification, not mine. I pray I am doing that, it was a good reminder!
I close with a passage of Scripture that has become prominent in my life lately (which means I have come across it often) Numbers 6:24-26: The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace. May He do that for all of you this week!