Long Day

Today was a long day, complicated by lack of sleep this weekend. My sleeping patterns are a mess, I wish my sleep was more consistent. Can't be helped though, I have a hard time taking my problems and shoving them into a corner before I go to bed. I could leave them in God's hands but that would be too easy. :)

I did get to work with 1st grade girls this morning. I wasn't too keen on helping because of the long day I knew I had ahead of me, but I was glad I did. The girls were great, and I enjoyed seeing/helping the girls look up the Bible story in their Bibles. It was cool to see them taking turns reading the story and their eagerness to answer the questions. It made me smile.

Tomorrow marks 200 days. I haven't been counting, I have a counter on my computer that I happened to open up today. Time is flying by. Someone said once that there will come a time that you don't think about your loss every minute of every day. I didn't think that would ever happen. This weekend I realized that it does happen. I always picture the "widow" sign flashing above my head and that's how I am defined. What made me realize that I wasn't thinking about my loss every minute was me forgetting that I was a widow. I wonder how long that has been going on and I didn't realize it......but don't mistake that as forgetting Jared....not happening.

What else have I missed

I was listening to a sermon online that was preached at our church recently. I had been unable to hear the whole thing because I had to leave early. The pastor was preaching on the fact that God is in control and we don't have a say in our lives. He used a passage in Job and I caught something that I've never noticed before. For lack of a better term, God set Job up. I had it in my mind that Satan had come to God asking to test Job. That is not the case. In Job 1:7 Satan walks in, God asks him where he came from and Satan answers that he was roaming around the earth. In the next verse, God out of the blue says "have you considered my servant Job?" God gave Satan the idea to ask to test Job!!! I never caught that before, it made me wonder what else I've missed in the Bible. It did prove something that I already believe, that God allows tragedy to happen in our lives and that no one is immune to trials and tribulation. The great thing about it though is that He promises to be there there every step of the way.

I was asked this week if I was getting stronger. My first reaction was, yes, I am. I'm doing pretty good, no major breakdowns lately etc. The more I thought about it though I realized that no, I'm actually weaker. I'm just learning to depend on God more and in turn I am able to rely on the strength that HE gives me. Let's just hope I continue to remember that.........I forget a lot.

A day of Fs

I have the greatest friends. Had a wonderful evening hanging out with them talking about life and other random things. They are the kinda friends that I can be completely honest with and tell them what I am struggling with. I thank God every day for you and for making a bad day much better!

Frustration was the theme of the day. Had a headache, which didn't help. I just felt overwhelmed today. I had lots of work to do today and didn't get much done. I'm trying to remember that my plans go out the window when God is in charge, but today it was hard to keep that focus. I just got frustrated instead. Got even a little more upset/frustrated when I got some news from my family that I didn't like. My first response was to cry, then it went to asking God how much more do we have to deal with. His response, my grace is sufficient for you. Oh yeah, I forgot. Trust is the other thing that came to mind. Forgot that too. Will I ever learn?!

Still here

Wow, it's been about a week since I last blogged. I'm still here, just been really busy. I feel like I'm not home much anymore. At least I'm not bored!

Not much is new in my life. Did get another curve ball thrown at me, not a bad one, just another thing to think about. Spent this past weekend really trying to figure out my next step. Came to the conclusion that I can't figure it out, but don't worry, I will continue to try. God still continues to shake up my life, and I'm thinking that my life will never be the same. I mean that it will never be the same day to day and I don't expect to have a routine anytime soon. I'm beginning to try to accept that. Lord, do you remember that I hate change?! I guess if my life changes everyday then I won't get used to anything and it won't feel much like a change....yes, I'm talking myself into this.

I'm doing a Bible study on Esther with some co-workers. The part that we are working on this week is when Esther finds out from Mordecai that an edict went out that the Jews were going to be destroyed. Mordecai tells Esther that she needs to go to the king and she is afraid to do it because she could be put to death. Do ya blame her! Mordecai said to Esther in Esther 3:13-14:

"Do not imagine that you in the king's palace can escape any more than all the Jews. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty or such a time as this?"

There were two parts in those verses that stood out to me. If she kept silent, relief and deliverance would come from another place and the second phrase that perhaps she had been placed in the palace for such a time as this.

Thoughts on the first phrase: no matter what we do or don't do, God's will is going to be accomplished. That doesn't excuse me though. If I feel God wanting me to do something or leading me in a certain direction, I can't just sit there and say "He doesn't need me, He'll accomplish what He wants without me." That is not what He created me for. I'm created to bring Him glory not sit on my hands.

Thoughts on the second phrase: potter and clay. Why am I in the position I am in right now? What is He preparing me for? I guess I'm waiting for my "such a time as this". Will I allow Him to mold me the way He wants for that "time" when I need it most? Sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around where God has me right now.

Until next time....

All over the place

My emotions have been all over the place today. No reason. By the way, it was actually a good day too. I know, it doesn't make sense. Got a little teary, ok, maybe a little more than teary, when I was discussing heaven with some co-workers. They weren't sad tears though, it was the thought that Jared had all the answers to the questions that we were asking one another! The jealously factor came out and I began to long for heaven all the more again. I know my "job" on earth isn't done yet, so I need to focus on that. It also helps to have great co-workers who make me laugh when I start to get teary....thanks ladies!! :)

Looking at a journal today, got to the end and what verse was used as an example....you guessed it...Jeremiah 29:11. I always have the verse in my head, it's hanging up in my house, and one of the last things I see before I leave in the morning. I just hadn't had it jump out at me in an unexpected place lately. Good to see it, caused a few more tears, but it always seems like God is talking straight to me when that happens.

Heard a song today and one line was "I was blessed because I was loved by you." Again, the tears came, but I was still able to smile. I was so blessed and actually, I still am.

So, it was a bit of a weepy day, but they weren't sad tears and only lasted for a few moments.

I have been very reluctant to join any grief classes. I've thought that maybe it's been my pride, that I'm doing ok, etc. It finally dawned on me today, while talking with someone else, that I don't want to because I don't want to focus on me/my emotions/my feelings. I think I have mentioned before that I am inclined/like to read about other people who have lost a loved one. It is helpful for me to read their response to grief and how God work in their life to help them through it. I finally realized that is the reason for my reluctance. Don't get me wrong, I think those classes are great for people, and I may eventually want to attend, who knows. What I'm saying is that I know my personality, if I focus too much on myself and begin to have a pity party, I may fall apart. :) Right now, I'd rather keep my focus off of me and looking upwards towards Christ instead. Honestly, that's where my focus should be anyway, no matter what is going on in my life. It is not about me, although sometimes it may seem like it is! :)

That was my day.

Random Readings

These are things that I've read lately that I wanted to document in my "journal" for later on.

When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, he will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them. Don't just wait and see. Live and see! ~ Beth Moore

Providence can sometimes be defined as times when God trumps your perfectly good plan with one of His own. Take heart, Beloved! He's right there. ~Beth Moore

“This, then, is of faith, that everything, the very least, or what seems to us great, every change of the seasons, everything which touches us in mind, body, or estate, whether brought about through this outward senseless nature, or by the will of man, good or bad, is overruled to each of us by the all-holy and all-loving will of God. Whatever befalls us, however it befalls us, we must receive as the will of God. If it befalls us through man’s negligence, or ill-will, or anger, still it is, in even the least circumstance, to us the will of God. For if the least thing could happen to us without God’s permission, it would be something out of God’s control. God’s providence or His love would not be what they are. Almighty God Himself would not be the same God; not the God whom we believe, adore, and love.” ~ E.B. Pusey

Song to go with the previous post

I wish I was more of a man
Have you ever felt that way
And if I had to tell you the truth
I’m afraid I’d have to say
That after all I’ve done and failed to do
I feel like less than I was meant to be

What if I could fix myself
Maybe then I could get free
I could try to be somebody else
Who’s much better off than me
But I need to remember this
That it’s when I’m at my weakest
I can clearly see

He made the lame walk and the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits while His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live thru you and me

What if you could see yourself thru another pair of eyes
What if you could hear the truth
Instead of old familiar lies
What if you could feel inside
The power of the hand that made the universe you’d realize

He made the lame walk and the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits while His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live thru you and me

All our hearts they burn within us
All our lives we’ve longed for more
So let us lay our lives before the one who gave His life for us

Ponderings

Someone gave me a verse this week to think on. I've been thinking about it for a few days and decided to look it up today. I looked it up, but then looked at the whole passage, or at least the section of how my Bible divided it.

Matthew 10:24-39
The passage talks about not fearing those who can kill the body but are unable to kill the soul, rather fear Him who can do both. The hairs on our head are numbered, and if God watches the sparrows don't you think that He cares for us because we are of more value?! The interesting part for me was the end. It's something that I've talked about before, but I hadn't looked at this passage. Verse 34, Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. The next verse says how He will set relatives against each other, then verse 37-39 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.

Everyone prays for peace and love in the world. God talks about peace and love also, but look at what He says in this passage. Because of Him there will be strife. He wants us to love Him above everyone else in our lives. We are selfish people, myself included. We expect to have everything and we wonder "why" when we don't get what we want, when something goes wrong or relationships don't work out. We shouldn't wonder, God says it is going to happen. For some reason, I have never felt like I need to ask God "why". I usually have to know the ins and outs of everything. I remember saying to someone "why not me, why am I special that nothing 'bad' should ever happen to me." I still feel that way. I am actually grateful. Grateful for the time I did have Jared, and grateful for all the things that I have learned in these past few months. My relationship with Christ is so much stronger and I pray that I will continue to strive to do what this passage says, love Him above all else and to take up my cross and follow Him.

Poor people

I feel sorry for people that have to deal with me. It must be a daunting thing to have to talk to a "widow", especially if they haven't had to have contact with me since Jared passed away. I'm sure they don't have a clue as to how to handle it. They may think that if they mention it, I may lose it, and if they don't mention it, I could think of them as being rude. Poor people, it must be very uncomfortable. Don't feel badly, I've been there done that, and I still don't know how to handle talking to someone who has lost a love one.

I'll give you a little hint about what to do with me. Treat me like you would anyone else. I am still the same person that I was prior to losing Jared (by God's grace, hopefully a little more focused on Christ!), just a little more emotional, but even that is getting better!

Tomorrow will mark the sixth month anniversary of Jared leaving this earth. I smiled as I wrote that last sentence. It's amazing what God's grace and strength can do for a person! It should have been one of those bad weeks, but it wasn't. I had a great week.

I started working out again this week, I'm just not a fan of that, but it is good for me, right?! I'll start eating better again when my stove gets fixed.

Headed to my sister-in-law's birthday party tonight. Which also means I better get going, I've got things to do before I leave.......

Patience

I realized that this blog pretty much consists of what God is teaching me, what emotions I have had that day, or things that I'm dealing with. It doesn't actually say anything about what I'm doing or what my life is like now. I don't think I will change my blog too much, but I'll try to be better about adding more "personal" random things that are going on in my life. It's hard to keep my spiritual life and my regular life separate when I work at a church! That's probably a good thing.

I had good weekend. Didn't accomplish anything besides getting my kitchen cleaned up, reading a book, and some of my Bible study. A couple of my co-workers and I are going through Beth Moore's study on Esther. It's been good so far. My stove top decided to pop again and sparks flew this time......I turned it off via the breaker. Repair men came to fix it last week, but when they turned it back on, the stove gave the same loud pop that I had heard weeks ago. They are supposed to return this week with another part...can't wait until I can cook again.

Work is good, very busy with some added duties lately. That's ok, although I do not have a hard time going home to an "empty" house, it still is nice to have so much work that you can't think too much. :) Please don't think that I'm doing what some psychologist would tell you that I am doing, avoiding, throwing myself into work so that I don't have to deal with things. That is not the case, believe me. I'm a workaholic from way back.

Ok, enough of that, back to my normal blogging discussions.

I am not a very patient person. I should be, I've had great teachers (the people who have been so patient with me these last six months). I feel like I'm a little kid trying to see over the counter but not quite being able to see because I'm too short. (Yes, Dad, I'm finally admitting it.) I'm not being very patient lately when it comes to wanting to know what God has in store for me, the plans He has for me. I want to see what is around the next bend. I want to speed things up a little so I can finish getting my "house" in order. There are things that are held up right now that aren't allowing me to take some other steps that I need to. I hate living in limbo like I have been, I'm ready for things to settle down and to have that "boring" life. Hey, I can always hope!! Unfortunately, I then read quotes like this: "We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it's God who is shaking them." ~ Charles West. I think He likes to do that to me! :) It's ok though, keeps me relying on Him. Anyway, that is where I am after this weekend. I know, He makes everything beautiful in HIS time, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to help Him along! :)

Blogs/Stories

I did something this evening that I haven't done since the week or so after Jared died. I was on the computer searching for other people who have lost a spouse. I like to read other people's stories, it may be a comfort thing for me, knowing that I'm not the only one, but I don't know why I chose to do it tonight. I really didn't find too many blogs, but the ones that I did find ended up being kinda depressing. So many of them were written by people who didn't seem to have the hope of Christ in their life, that I am so grateful that I have. Some had spouses that passed away years ago, but you can tell by their posts that they are still having a difficult time. My heart just ached for them. I'm not saying that I won't ever be in their shoes, who knows, this journey is quite unpredictable. It made me stop and wonder, without God in my life, what would my story look like right now? Where would I be, would I be in major depression, would I even be functioning? I am so thankful that God saw fit to save me and be the Rock that I need to help me through this season of life.

I did come across a blog about someone who lost a baby. Reading her blog was so encouraging. The one song that she had playing in the background was "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. The chorus to that song is:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain.

I second what this song says, bring the rain if that's what it takes to bring glory to God. I know that by saying that, I'm asking for it, but I know that the Lord is my Shepherd and He is always with me. My dad used a verse from Job during Jared's service, Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" If life was easy, we would never realize that the arms of God, that carry us through struggles, are so incredibly strong!

Amazing Love

I love music, and I have lots of favorite songs. I live about eight minutes from my job, so there isn't a lot of time to listen to the radio. In those few minutes I was in the truck these past two days, I have heard both of the following songs twice. "Lead Me to the Cross" by Chris & Conrad and "I Know My Redeemer Lives" by Nicole C. Mullins. Some of the words are below (the ones that made me think)

Lead Me To the Cross

Chorus:
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh Lead me, lead me to the cross


Redeemer Lives

The very same God
That spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know, my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all of creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know My Redeemer lives.

Hearing these songs made me think of another song by Nicole C. Mullins, "Call on Jesus"

Weary brother
Broken daughter
Widowed, widowed lover
You're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

Chorus:
When I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

Call Him in the mornin'
In the afternoon time
Late in the evenin'
He'll be there
When your heart is broken
And you feel discouraged
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there

I am overwhelmed sometimes at how amazing God's love is for me. Take the words "the very same God that spins things in orbit, runs to the weary, worn and the weak." Think about that for a second. The God that controls everything in this universe cares about the weary, worn, and the weak. He cared so much for us that He died on the cross for us, "where His love poured out". He is there all the time and because of that "I am never alone and I can call on Him at anytime". When He draws us to Himself, He asks us to obey Him in all that we do. Why is that so difficult for me to remember that I need to trust and obey (there's another song!) the Person that is in control of EVERYTHING?!

This week, I also came across a quote by Corrie ten Boom. For those who don't know her, she was a survivor of the Holocaust. "You may never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have." She only had Jesus to turn to in the concentration camps, and I couldn't imagine what she went through. It makes my struggles seem small. I have never been persecuted, never been without food, clothes, etc., and in all honesty have had a fairly easy life. I know this may sound strange to some of you, but I am grateful that I have been able to experience a small part of that quote. Jesus is all I need, and my sole desire should be to pursue Him with my entire being. "Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down, rid me of myself, I belong to You, lead me to the cross."

Frustrations

Why am I the kind of person that is hard on herself. I really feel like right now I am not doing a good job of anything. I used to be the type of person that could handle it all, the mindset of 'dump everything on me, I thrive on being overwhelmed'. Now I can barely think straight much less multitask. There are days that I feel like I'm failing and not working at my greatest potential. I blame myself for things that quite honestly I have no control over but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about them. I spend time trying to figure out what I could have done differently, would that have changed things. Just to clarify, I'm not talking about Jared's death, Jared's days were numbered by God from the beginning, which means that no matter what I did or didn't do, on July 16th, 2009, God would have taken Jared home anyway. Is there something I can do make me concentrate better? I let my mind wander too much about things I have to do, decisions I have to make, etc. I get so frustrated when I can't fix it all at once and do everything perfectly.

I then have to remember that it isn't my job to fix everything. In reality, it actually isn't my job to fix anything. It's God's job. I may be the tool that He uses to do it, but I have to stop. That may help with the concentration factor too. I need to keep taking one step at a time and do the next thing!!

New Year

2010 came in a very lack luster fashion. I was in bed. I was tired after all my travels and fun with the family. :) Whether or not I was awake for it, it still came! At least that was my logic.

Yesterday was one of those feel sorry for myself days. It wasn't because of Jared not being here, it was an attitude problem. I didn't feel well and my back was killing me. I watched t.v., read, and computered, is that a word? I did absolutely nothing. I don't know what my problem was. I told myself that today was going to be different, I was at least going to be productive. Guess what, I woke up late, and my back is still hurting. So much for that idea. I have the 'why do today what I can put off until tomorrow' mindset. I have one goal today. Work on my Bible study. That should help with the attitude, right?!

Rabbit trail for a second there. Back to the new year. My mom and I were talking about the fact that I have had to deal with some major things very quickly. I've had to deal with legal things (there was no will, so that means lots of paperwork), the first date anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas (which was also our engagement day), New Year, other various things, and then the wedding. All tough things for me. I am so glad that I got to experience all those 'firsts' last year. There are still some more that I will have to experience this year, but I feel like most of the major ones are behind me. I know this doesn't mean that 2010 is going to be a bed of roses, but it is somewhat of a relief to start this year off with a clean slat.

One thing that I have learned in these last months is that I need to live my life to the fullest. I am a practical person. I have worked since I got out of high school, saving what I could, because I feel more secure knowing I would have something to fall back on. Although I have never had much money, nor do I want it, I wanted to make sure that I could remain self-sufficient no matter what. This mindset means that I don't like to spend money, especially on myself. I hope to change that this year. I want to see this beautiful country that God has created. I actually want to take a vacation, not cleaning the house, but doing something fun. One saying I found is "life is not defined by how many breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away". I have just been breathing, not necessarily enjoying the breaths that I take. I want to change that too. It may take me a while incorporate this new plan, but one step at a time! I should really get that passport too, leaving the country is not really a priority, but just in case, right?! :)

I guess that is my New Year's resolution. Of course, this is my plan, but it may not be God's plan, so I guess we will have to see how this year unfolds. My life is in God's hands.....