Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Why am I the kind of person that is hard on herself. I really feel like right now I am not doing a good job of anything. I used to be the type of person that could handle it all, the mindset of 'dump everything on me, I thrive on being overwhelmed'. Now I can barely think straight much less multitask. There are days that I feel like I'm failing and not working at my greatest potential. I blame myself for things that quite honestly I have no control over but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about them. I spend time trying to figure out what I could have done differently, would that have changed things. Just to clarify, I'm not talking about Jared's death, Jared's days were numbered by God from the beginning, which means that no matter what I did or didn't do, on July 16th, 2009, God would have taken Jared home anyway. Is there something I can do make me concentrate better? I let my mind wander too much about things I have to do, decisions I have to make, etc. I get so frustrated when I can't fix it all at once and do everything perfectly.

I then have to remember that it isn't my job to fix everything. In reality, it actually isn't my job to fix anything. It's God's job. I may be the tool that He uses to do it, but I have to stop. That may help with the concentration factor too. I need to keep taking one step at a time and do the next thing!!

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