Weekend thoughts

On Thursday and Friday I was again able to volunteer for my favorite conference at the church I attend.  I think I get more out of the conference than the people that are attending!

Throughout the weekend you hear testimonies of people who tell about struggles in their lives and how God is walking or has walked them through the difficult times.  I know that God had me there for one specific thing that one particular woman talked about.  She was talking about her home life growing up and how her dad had died when she was young.  She had to then become self-sufficient and learned to do a lot on her own.  After she was married, she still had that same mentality and it was a struggle for her and her husband.

Wow.  That pretty much summed up some things that I am going through as a new wife.  I am so used to having to do things on my own that I am struggling to let my husband help me.  This includes physical things and emotional things.  Although I was married before, I had to continue to be the strong one in those few weeks (just to clarify, I was fine with that, I was there to be his helper).  I am now married to someone (other than God) who can help me with the burdens and struggles that I have.  However, it is difficult for me to let go and have someone help me, for fear I may have to be on my own again........ it has happened before.  I can't live in that fear.  God has given me a Godly man who will pray for me and help me to work through the things that weigh me down and I need to let him.  I was thankful that God showed me that this is a weak spot in my life that I need to turn over to Him.  His grace will always be sufficient, no matter what.

In my Bible reading today this is what I read, He repeats Himself for a couple of verses. It is something that I need to repeat over and over to myself also.

Psalm 115:9-11:

O Israel, trust in the Lord; He is their help and their shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the Lord; He is their help and their shield.
You who revere the Lord, trust in the Lord; He is their help and their shield.

He makes beautiful things

God talks to me in various ways, but I think music is the way that I hear Him speak to me the most.  Nature is another way, but with that I feel overwhelmed by Him and how awesome He is.

There is a song, not sure of the title, but it goes:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You


Then the song goes on to talk about how He makes us new in Him.


This song is how I feel my life is right now.  Out of all the pain that I have experienced, He is really making beautiful things.  And I can see it!!!  Not that I couldn't see it before, because I could, it is just that it is so very blatant now with my new life with my husband.

I have yet to see any wedding pictures, so I thought I would share a picture of the two of us on our honeymoon.  We had such a great time and this was definitely a place that I saw the awesomeness of our Creator!

Never Once

We've sung this song at church a couple of times.  I don't know who sings it, but the gist of the song is that God is with us all the time.  Part of the song goes:

"Never once did we ever walk alone, never once did You leave us on our own, You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

Every time I have heard this song, it reminds me of how I've never been alone in my journey.  There have been times that I have felt alone, but that hasn't been the case, God has always been there.  He is so faithful, even when we are not.  He loves me and cares about every detail of my life.  I'm so glad that I'm His and He will never let me go.

My life is great! I'm getting ready to marry the man I love and I can't wait to be his wife and begin our lives together.  Here is one of our engagement pictures.  He's so handsome!  :)

Here me are!

Good morning Saturday!

Yes, I am trying to pep myself up.  I would like nothing better today than to curl up on the couch and watch a movie or immerse myself in a book.  Unfortunately, that is not going to happen today.

I apologize for my lack of posts.  I am busier now than I have been in a very long time.  I look back at my life six months ago and I thought I was busy then, HA! 

In my last post I told you all I was getting married.  Sidenote, I'm so excited!  What I did not tell you is that Mr. E and I decided a while back that when we got engaged we did not want a long engagement.  So......we are planning a wedding for the end of this month.  Yikes!  I'm also trying to sell my house.  Double yikes!  All in all, it is going very smoothly.  It is all coming together, although not always in my timing, but when I know that God's timing is always perfect, I know that everything will get done.  Yes, I have to tell myself that several times in a day. 

This has also been a testing time for me.  I'm fairly certain I've been failing at it.  It has been very difficult for me to have patience and trust that God will work everything out.  I get upset with myself because I know this, I've see Him work so many times, but I keep forgetting!  Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning and He has given me a laid-back, Godly man who prays for me and takes everything very calmly.  :) 

I just wanted to thank you all for your well-wishes for me and Mr. E.  I may not always respond, but know that I read them and I love hearing from you all and how you came about finding my blog.

I will continue to post, but know that for the next month or so, it may be sporadic.

Where do I begin.....

.....to tell the story of how great a love can be?  If you know that song, it is one of my favorites, especially to play on the piano.  I've never seen the movie "Love Story", so I don't know why the song was written, but the music is beautiful to me.  Speaking of "love story", I want to tell you mine over the past four years and how the three parts that I see all intermingle. 

I think I have one of the most beautiful love stories ever written.  My beautiful love story also includes loss, healing and restoration.  I know that some people may not understand how a story can be beautiful when you lose a love one, but it can be.  Please don't misunderstand me, losing my husband was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to go through. One of the things that makes it beautiful to me is that God used my love for Jared to help Jared.  Not that God wouldn't have sustained him, but God knew that Jared desired a helper and a wife and to know that God gave him that desire in the likes of me is indescribable.  He knew that it was going to be difficult journey for Jared and I think I made it somewhat bearable for him in his last days.  What also makes it wonderful to me is that in the end God gave Jared complete healing.  It is beautiful now because Jared is in heaven and I got to see God work in amazing ways in my life through Jared and his death.  By the way, to this day, I can't sit through marriage vows without tearing up at the "sickness and health" line.  It still strikes me because I wonder if the couple really understands what they are vowing.  In this part of my story, I was able to love someone in a way that few people understand.    I could continue, but there are other parts to tell.
The second part of my love story was after Jared's death and healing of my heart.  It is the story of falling in love with my Savior more than I ever had before.  In my story, I knew that the only "person" who could offer anything to me was my Great Physician.  He was the one who understood my sorrow more than anyone.  I remember once when I was lying in bed, praying, when I was having a difficult time, and feeling how God came and comforted me.  It is a feeling that I will never forget.  There were a couple of verses that always spoke to me.  The Lord is my portion, says my soul,"For your Maker is your husband--the Lord Almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." Isaiah 54:5 and He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. Job 8:21.  Of course put Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 62:8 in there also.  I learned so much about the Lord because it was just Him and I for many, many months.  Not that other people didn't help, believe me, they did!  However, I felt the most comfort from the One who sustained me, held me in the palm of His hand, provided for me, and loved me like no one else ever can or will.  Again, it wasn't easy, but as is with any refining process, I can see how all the hurt and pain helped change me to be more like Him.
The third part of my story includes how God can restore a heart.  I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says "love as though you've never been hurt".  I think that is true.  Loving a man and then losing him did hurt, but that didn't cause me to want give up.  I wanted to love again, I knew what it meant to love in a way that few people understand.  I could have taken the "easy" road and guarded myself against ever falling in love again, knowing that the same thing could happen in a instant.  As the Bible says, life is but a vapor.  I chose not to do that.  I remember reading in 1 Timothy the verse about young widows marrying again, I took it to heart.  I knew that I didn't want to be without a mate for the rest of my life.  Some people may think that was a betrayal to Jared, but I know that he would have wanted me to be happy.  He would have wanted me to continue to live my life to the fullest, including marriage again.  However, he would have wanted to make certain that the someone I married was a follower of Christ and treated me like a princess.
When God put a man into my life, I was not looking for it at all.  In fact, I had just written in my blog about how content I was with my life.  I think God has a sense of humor.  The man He placed in my life amazed me.  Early on he told me that he had noticed me a few months before, but he waited and prayed before he asked me on a date.  He wanted to make sure that this was the direction God wanted him to go.  I realized that God had put this man into my life for a reason.  If not to marry him, to at least begin to heal my heart and help me to take steps forward in my life.  That is exactly what happened, my heart began to heal.  I didn't realize how broken it had been and I had to work through things in my heart and life as time went on.   Thankfully this man was very understanding and patient.  This man even made mention once that because of what I had been through, he could see how it molded me into the woman that I had become.  That's where it all intermingles.  Everything that God has been doing in my life over the past couple of years has been preparing me for the third part of my love story.  This part has been developing over this past year and from an insiders perspective it has been fun to watch and to be a part of.  You've all met Mr. E., the man whom God brought into my life.  He is an amazing man of God and I am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined.  He balances me and helps me in every aspect of my life.  He challenges me to be a better woman of God and I love how he prays at a moments notice when something needs to be taken to Jesus' feet.  He protects me, treats me like a princess and he is my best friend.  He also loves me and if it is anywhere close to how much I love him, then I'm one loved woman!  Last Tuesday, this wonderful man asked me to be his wife, I accepted.  I get the wonderful privilege of becoming his wife and I can't describe how happy that makes me. Part three is just beginning, but I'm loving how the story has already unfolded. :)

All three parts of my love story have taught me different things and have molded me into the person I have become.  I know that God's work on me has not finished and there is more molding and refining to come, but I am grateful for every part and wouldn't change my life for anything.

Freedom!!

I have some very exciting news!  I'm off Facebook! :)  I finally deleted my account after months of debating on whether or not I should do it.  I never post anything and was irritated with the changes that Facebook made with their last update.  The only reason I kept it was to keep up with people, or so I thought.  I really don't do that, I just read what someone wants me to keep up with.  People only post what they want me to know and that is fine.  That's what I did too.  The final straw for me was seeing the drama that can unfold on Facebook.  I had to ask myself if it was worth it to have other people's lives affect mine and the answer was no.  I am now living in the freedom that deleting my Facebook gave to me.  I know, it may sound corny, but I'm enjoying it!

I am striving this year to be more disciplined, especially with working out, reading my Bible everyday, getting to work on time, going to bed at a decent hour, etc.  So far, for the most part, I've kept up.  I still haven't begun to work out everyday, but have been at least a couple of times a week.  The other things are going well and I like being more scheduled.  I believe that God wants us to be orderly.  He wants us to be disciplined in what we do.  I am usually a schedule orientated person, but in the past two years I've lived a very undisciplined life.  I think it was because my life seemed like it was in chaos so I let everything else follow that same pattern.  I'm trying to change that now and I'm liking the routine so much better.  Mind you, it doesn't always go as planned but it helps.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance (I would change this to God)
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes, my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

I've heard this song shuffle through my iTunes many times lately.  I'm sure this song means something other than my take on it.  Every time I hear it, I can't help but think of my life after Jared went to be with the Lord.  His sister told me right after he died that I shouldn't listen to this song and for quite awhile I couldn't.  Now that has changed.  I realize that every bit of pain that I went through was worth it.  I still don't understand the "whys" but not experiencing the pain would have meant that I also would have missed the dance.

P.S. Just to clarify, the line "Hey, who's to say you know I might have chanced it all" doesn't hold true for me, because I would do it all over again.