Satisfaction

I am in a good place right now, life is good.  It seems like most of the time I am running around like a crazy person, but lately life has been calm.  I'm not talking about my busyness, believe me, that still exists, I'm talking about the calmness of my soul.  The things I have been struggling with are still there, but God has been working on me.  I began the Beth Moore "Breaking Free" Bible study with some friends.  I had it in my mind that this study was for women who had horrid lives/pasts that they needed to break free from.  I have had a good life so I wasn't certain how much it would pertain to me.  Well, I've already been shown many things and we are only a couple of weeks into it. (This week is partly on pride, oops!) Last week's lesson was on the "benefits" of having Christ in our lives.   A couple of those things were the peace and joy that we can only find it Him, but the one that caught my attention was that only through Him can we have complete satisfaction.  A day or two after that lesson, I was listening to my iTunes and the song playing was One More Day by Diamond Rio. Part of that song is:

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

Chorus:
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

So glad I can listen to some of my favorite songs without bursting into tears!  I digress......

I think one of the reasons that there is a calmness in my soul is I do feel satisfied in Christ.  Lately, I have felt like He has become everything to me.  So often I feel that if I could have that one more thing that I would then be satisfied.  That one more thing could be anything, but as the song says it would leave me wishing for more.  Realizing the satisfaction I can have in Him has made me so much happier.  I have found that all the other things like joy and peace fall right into place because I am satisfied. I am not striving for things that in the long run mean nothing.  I am content in Him, knowing that I want for nothing with Him as my Savior and Lord. 

As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness; I will be satisfied with Your likeness when I awake.  ~ Psalm 17:15

For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. ~ Psalm 107:9

Matthew 8

I have started a couple of posts this past week, but none of them have been completed to actually publish.  Part of me wonders how long I will keep up this blog, it seems like I keep saying the same things over and over again.  I use this as my journal to remember later on where God had me.  Lately I have seemed stuck in learning about trust.  Actually, that seems to be the entire theme of this blog anyway.  I wonder when I will ever get it, or will I?

I am having to deal with this trusting issue again.  There are a couple of things going on in my life that have stopped me and made me think about if I really do trust God.  I want to fix, I want to make it all better, I want to control/manipulate a situation to fit what I want, because in my human mind, I know what is best for me.  Ha!  Really Beth, you think that you can handle things better than the God who created you in the first place!  It doesn't work that way.

I woke up this morning and grabbed my phone to read my devotional that gets emailed to me.  I also have the Bible download on my phone.  I went to the Bible application and the last passage that I had pulled up was Matthew 8.  I began to read, starting in Matthew 8:23-27:

Then He got into the boat and His disciples followed Him.  Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat.  But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke Him saying, "Lord, save us!  We're going to drown!".  He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?".  Then He got up and rebuked the winds and waves, and it was completely calm.  The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and waves obey Him!."

Another verse that I read this morning from my desk calendar was 1 John 4:18:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

I make mistakes and sin all the time! I don't trust like I should, I have little faith.  The God who loves me has given me a way to not be fearful.  Perfect love casts out fear!  He calms the storms, His hand is all over this world and in my own life.  Why am I so afraid sometimes and forget to trust that He will work it out?  It is because I fail to remember that I serve a God that is beyond my comprehension.

Trust

Why is it that one day I can be in a good place, trusting God completely, go to bed, and wake up the next morning worrying about everything?  What changed when I slept?  It makes no sense.  Life is not easy and today is one of those days that I would like to be a hermit, and I may.  I could watch movies all day long!  Sounds like a good solution to me, but yet I know that that won't solve anything.  I know I must press on and trust but that is hard to do sometimes.  Anyway......

One of my co-workers went to Juarez, Mexico last week to do some preaching.  We were all a bit scared for him.  It is one of the most violent cities in the world, if not the worst.  Thankfully, he arrived back to Midland safely.  Yesterday, in our staff prayer time, he shared a little about Juarez and what he did when he was there.  He gave us some statistics.

98% of families have been affected by the violence in Juarez.  Only two percent of families have not had a family member murdered!

There have been 30,000 deaths in the past 5 years.

Over 200,000 people have left the city because of the violence.

He was able to preach in a parking lot and there were still about 1,000 people there.  Can you imagine?  I don't know if I could have been one of those people that attended.  He said he was scared in the beginning but then after a few minutes the God gave him peace.  He was able to talk to a few people and hear their stories.  He told of someone who was eating dinner with their family and someone came in and shot one of the men.  Another story was about some parents who dropped off their kids off at their grandparents house at 3pm, to go to the store and they never came back.  People stay off the streets after 6pm.

We have it so easy here in the United States.  I can't even begin to understand what they are going through there.  There isn't even safety in their own home!  There is no place to escape from the violence.  Talk about having to trust God completely!  That was a point that my co-worker made.  He said that right now these people have no where to turn and they are open to hearing the gospel.   I wish it didn't take these drastic measures to bring people to Christ, but it proves though that God's ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts.

Book

I just finished an interesting book, Plan B by Pete Wilson.  The subtitle of the book is 'What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would?'.  Of course, God does show up, but it isn't always the way that we would like Him to.  One of the parts that I had to stop and think was when the author talked about Jesus dying on the cross.  He mentioned how devastating it must have been for Jesus' followers to have their "dreams" of finally having a Redeemer, shattered.  I remember what it felt like for me when all of my dreams of spending the rest of my life with Jared crumbled.  Could you have imagined what it was like for them to watch as the Savior of the world was crucified before their eyes?  I can't even fathom.  Honestly, I am so glad that I am on the other side.  I didn't have to watch that, I know the story, and I didn't have to live through the three days of Him being dead, wondering what just happened.  God had a plan and it was to have His Son die for us.  Not an easy plan, He had to turn away from His own Son because He could not look upon our sins that Jesus took on Himself.  But it was the perfect plan.  So it is with us.  We may not think what we are going through is good and it can be downright awful, just because it isn't easy.  In reality, it is the best, because it came from God.  God will do whatever He wants to us and in His timing, if it will make us more like Him.  Here was a quote from Mark Batterson that the author used in the book:

I tend to live the way I drive.  I want to get from point A to point B in the shortest amount of time and by the easiest route possible.  But I've come to realize that getting where God wants me to go isn't nearly as important as becoming who God wants me to be in the process.  And God seems to be far less concerned with where I'm going than with who I'm becoming.  

How true that is for me.

Post Christmas

For those who are wondering, I had a nice Christmas.  I stayed in Midland and thanks to a great family, I had a very enjoyable time.

I had a few days off prior to Christmas which meant lots of time to think. Last year that would have been a bad thing, but this year, it was good.  I had a nice week spending time in the Scriptures and in prayer.  Even though the Lord was showing me some areas of my life that I need to work on, it was wonderful to just focus on Him for a few days.  It is difficult to explain what that time did for me, but all I can really say is that I just feel at peace and I feel like I have a renewed focus on Him.  I just glanced over at something I have on my desk, it says "Only when we have knelt before God, can we stand before men."  That sums up a lot of what I experienced this past week also.

I read Isaiah 58 this morning and although the whole chapter is great, verse 11 stuck out.  I know I have used before, but it is such a good reminder for all of us as we enter the new year.

And the LORD will continually guide you,
and satisfy your desire in scorched places,
and give strength to your bones;
and you will be like a watered garden,
and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and may the Lord guide you in 2011!

Awake

It looks like I will be practically pulling an all-nighter. Right now, I don't know that I could fall asleep, although I really want to.  I was able to sleep from about 11:00-1:00, but a coughing fit (ok, probably God) woke me up and it is now 4:15 and I have yet to go back to sleep.  I have had a lot going through my brain.  This happened on Monday night also, but it only lasted for about one and a half hours.  God had other plans for me tonight/this morning.  I will try to put down what He has laid on my heart and the different ways that He seems to want to show it to me.

Tuesday morning I had my Bible study with my friend.  We are going through the Beth Moore study on the Patriarchs.  It has been good.  One of the things that Beth said in her video yesterday was that we have a story to tell.  Those who are followers of Christ have a life of influence.  Throughout Scripture God has placed representatives of Himself and that continues today with those whom He has called to be His children.  He gives us opportunities to make His name great.

I picked up a book again last night that I had begun to read while on my trip to Europe.  The name is "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  I hadn't read much since then, but again God had a reason for me to pick it up.  He made a point that I never really thought about using Matthew 5:13-16:

"You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how will it be made salty again?  It is good for nothing anymore, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.  You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do men light a lamp, and put it under the peck-measure, but on the lamp-stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.  Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. "

The sentence that stood out to me was, "It is to be noted that Jesus calls not himself but his disciples the salt of the earth, for He entrusts his work on earth to them." He makes pretty much the same point when speaking about the light.  "It says in that passage, 'You are the light', once again, it is not, 'you are to be the light', they are already the light because Christ has called them, they are a light which is seen of men."

This morning I got online and listened to this past Sunday's sermon.  I was unable to attend church due to my annoying cough, I knew it would be too disruptive.  The sermon was on part of the Christmas story and how God used people (Mary and Joseph) for His purposes.  The pastor mentioned lots more people, in fact he said pick your Biblical character whom God used to accomplish what He wanted.  He also talked about how each of us will probably go through a period of time in our lives where God will throw something into our life to mold us into who He wants us to be.  After the sermon, I picked up my Bible and went to Luke to read the Christmas story.  I began in chapter 1 when God visits Zacharias and tells him about the coming birth of his son John.  After John was born and Zacharias tongue was loosed, he began to praise God and people began to talk about what had happened.  Luke 1:66 jumped off the page.  And all who heard them kept them in mind, saying, "What then will this child turn out to be?" For the hand of the Lord was certainly with him.  

All of these different things have convicted me about how I fail at being a representative, salt, light, and a vessel to be used according to His purpose.  Here is my main reason as to why.  Most of the time I would like for people to forget that I am a widow.  I have continued to write this blog, but if you have read lately, there is little mention of that anymore.  I even recall early on on Facebook, changing my relationship status to single so any "new friends" wouldn't see the widow status and ask questions.  I don't mind talking to the people that already know my story, but quite honestly I don't mention my story much to people I meet now.  However, if someone I meet has also lost a spouse, I have no problems talking with them about how faithful God is.  Other people that find out are usually very much surprised.  When asked if I'm married I answer "no", instead of what I said in the beginning of "I'm a widow."  Don't get me wrong, I personally haven't forgotten but I would rather let everyone else forget.  I have so internalized what God has done in my life that I am certain that I've missed opportunities to share of His faithfulness because I don't want to tell my story.   Much of that is because I don't want to be pitied and part of it is that I feel that if I talk about it and bring it up it would seem that I wasn't moving on and still living in the past.  It is because of my story that I, I hope, have become more like Christ.  That is our goal!  However, if I don't want to be that light, salt, vessel, what good is it?  It is like hiding a light under a peck-measure, where it won't do anything for anyone.  Am I willing to let people see the hand of God in my life?  Will people wonder, how will she turn out, like they did with John?   With God's help, I pray that they do.  I don't know what all this looks like and I don't know what God is preparing me for with showing me this, but I'm fairly certain He has something up His sleeve and I'll find out...........eventually.

It's is 5:45 now and I may try to get an hour or so of sleep before the alarm goes off.  G'night.

Not much

I really feel like complaining in this post but I will try to refrain from doing so.  Most of the reason for the complaints would be because my head is killing me.  I have had/been fighting a cold for the past week and it has mostly settled in my head.  I also feel like I've coughed up both of my lungs this weekend.  I think the only good thing about coughing is that I have worked on my abs in the process. :)  Ok, that is all the complaining about that I will allow.

I cannot believe it is Christmas already!  Mark it on the calendar, I was ready a week beforehand, with all presents bought and only two more to wrap.  This is even with me actually buying gifts and not using my favorite standby, gift cards.  It is also 80 degrees here in Midland, not quite Christmas weather.  I will admit that I like warm weather, but I should at least have to wear a jacket this time of year!  It should be down into the 50s for Christmas but that still isn't that cold when compared to the temps my parents have been experiencing. 

Everything else is going well, thankfully.  Feeling content with where God has me right now and although things are constantly changing in my life I feel very much at peace. 

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."  Luke 2:8-14

That's what Christmas is all about.........