Too tired to title

I'm still at work, well I'm not actually working, off the clock now. I know if I go home, I will have to laundry or something like that and I don't want to tonight. If I stall long enough, it will be too late to wash and dry my clothes. :)

I had a great weekend with family and friends. We went floating down the river on Sunday and then ate at a great restaurant. Got a bit sunburned, I know, surprise, surprise! Monday we went to a peach processing place, got some great (free!) peaches, and ate at an authentic German restaurant, I love good food, especially good bratwursts! The scale is beginning to prove that too!! :) Actually, I'm running/walking every morning, and people tell me that muscle weighs more than fat, but I wish the poundage numbers would go the other direction! I digress..... Camped for the first time in years. I actually enjoyed weekend camping. My childhood camping experiences consisted of camping because we were in between houses. When I think of camping, I think of camping for weeks on end and in the heat of August! So much better when it is for a couple of days, I think I could even handle it for a week or so. Went hiking, I so miss having places to do that around here! I'll have to post pictures of the countryside, taken from the car....

I've been really struggling the last week or so with my attitude. I know some of it is because I haven't been in the Word like I should be. Enough said but I'll continue. I know some of it is also because of certain days that are "marked." Days like yesterday just send reminders through my head. Not that I want to forget, but don't want to have my life revolve around specific days anymore. Yesterday would have been a year since Jared went into the hospital for the last time. Last year on this day, we found out that Jared's blood work was really wacky and my first thought, when they told me the numbers, was that it was leukemia. I wasn't right, but not too far off. When I think back now, my gut told me that it was the beginning of the end. Thinking about all that also reminds me of how much he suffered in those final weeks. Something I try not to think about and haven't in a very long time. To be blunt, I cannot wait until July 17th, the day after he went to be with the Lord. I'm not dreading it, in fact, I think it will be a relief. One year....I'm sure I will still mark certain days, but it will be different, not so much of a countdown. I hold it together so much better nowadays when these memories come, I just become grumpy and antisocial instead!!

I also read a blog today that got me thinking about contentment. I'm just not content. Another reason for grumpiness! I know I should be content, but I'm not. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I really want to get married again. There, I said it. It is something I have avoided saying for fear of people criticizing me or getting upset. It's the truth though. Yes, Jared was my "first love", but that doesn't mean I can't love again. In fact, I fully plan on it, and Lord willing, soon! Not only am I not content in that, I'm just not content period. Except for my job, and sometimes that even has me discontent. I have the itch right now to travel and see the world, but I have responsibilities here. I wouldn't mind moving away from Midland, but haven't a clue as to where I would like to move. Part of me wants to go back to school, but I don't know exactly what I want to do though. I feel like my life is at a standstill, in a rut, non-productive, not living life to the fullest. Something that I promised myself I would try to do. I know I'm not being everything that God has gifted me to be right now and that is where I know most of the attitude comes from. Guilt of not being the Christ-follower that I should be, just being plain stubborn.

I guess that is enough venting for the evening......I better go home and read my Bible for a while......

One verse I did read today, good reminder, and it helped my attitude somewhat:

And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11

Quick post

Sorry about the confusion on the last post. I posted it then had second thoughts about it.

It's hot around here, it will be in the 90s for the next week. It isn't too bad with no humidity. My sprinkler system somehow quit working this week. That will be fun to fix I'm sure. Until that happens, I bought a sprinkler today at WallyWorld, and will water the lawn that way. I miss Wisconsin where God waters the lawns!! (Don't miss it enough to move back though, sorry Pa.) You should have seen me running in and out of the water trying to adjust it. Thankfully, I was in the backyard so the neighbors didn't get much amusement from my antics. This will do the trick until I call the sprinkler system fixers.

I've been so busy at work. We are getting ready for 5th/6th grade camp. I think it will be so much fun. A lot of work goes into getting ready for it though, I had no idea. We practiced skits last night. Wow, I work with a great group of people, and the other teachers that are going are great too. My lines in the skit are pretty sparse, I play a sheep. I'll have to practice my bbaaaaing. I'm fine with that, I very much detest being in the forefront, especially when people are focused on me.
Anyway, it should be fun, and hopefully teach kids more about who God is....

Well, I'm off for a weekend of fun! Hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Thinking

This past week I attended a conference in Dallas. One more thing to check off the list. I haven't been back to Dallas since the day after Jared went to be with the Lord. I really didn't dread it, but I also knew that we weren't going to go in the direction of the hospital....I still think I would have been fine. It is hard to believe it has been 10 months now. People have asked me if it seems like it's been a long time or just yesterday. I think I can say that it feels like a long time ago. I am not saying that things have faded and I've forgotten Jared, but my thinking is different than it used to be.

* I don't constantly think "Jared isn't here to see this", like I used to.

* I don't correlate places I go or see with Jared as much either. I may think about it, but it is usually without sadness.

* I feel like I can make decisions without thinking, "would Jared like this or not?".

* I don't get off work and remember, oh, I'm going to the house that Jared lived in and he's not there. I consider my house, my house now.

* I can plan a trip and not dread it because Jared isn't going to be with me.

* I am enjoying my life again, laughing lots, and looking forward to the future with great anticipation. :)

Grace

After this past weekend of beating myself up, God has been showing me a few things. I have a difficult time letting things go when I have any guilt about anything and although it may not be anything that I have done, I will wonder if I could have done something differently. I have a hard time letting anything go! I was the one who could hold a grudge forever......ask my sister. She remembers when she and I would argue, then the next day she would have completely forgotten about it and she would take one look at me and remember. By God's grace, it isn't that bad anymore, but I still have my moments. The one thing that God seems to be wanting me to focus on is grace. I need to not only remember God's grace for me, but that I need to extend that grace to others. Over the last year, I have learned to be a lot more sympathetic towards people, but on the other hand I have become a lot more callused, and want people to just "buck up" sometimes. Back to grace.... It began on Sunday with this song, "There is Nothing Greater than Grace":

There is no valley, there is no darkness
there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.
There is no moment, there is no distance,
there is no heartbreak He can't take you through.
So before you think that you're too lost to save,
Remember there is nothing greater than grace.

So don't lose hope, don't let go
don't give up, you are not alone.

Have had a few more little moments that I felt God talking directly to me over the last couple of days, but I can't remember specifics. Today, I was reviewing some children's lessons at work and I came across this verse:

1 Cor. 15:10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.

I pray that I remember that God's grace to me should be evident in my life and that I extend that grace to others.

I'm reading a book right now that has been a great encouragement to me. It's called "Plan B" by Pete Wilson. I just "happened" to come across it and it was perfect timing. It is about how our plan A can be going on along just fine, but then something happens in our life that causes plan B to come into effect. It is still God's plan, but not the one that we foresaw. Hope it continues to be a good read.

Well, I'm off to a conference for three days....later.

Just stuff

I must confess that in reading some of my blog, I sound like I have it all together, or I mostly do. It has made we wonder today if my stubbornness to get this all "right" is preventing God to really work through me. Is my pride getting in the way. I get really mad at myself if I cry, especially in public. To me that means that I am not trusting God. I will admit that I've put up a front. Don't get me wrong, I am good most of the time, but there are occasional days that I do want to "get lost". There are occasional days that I am frustrated with my now life. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks that I am.

There are things that I have yet to face. I have put off cleaning out the closet and drawers. I've pushed Jared's clothes as far over as I can, so I have enough room for my stuff, but the closet is crammed. I just haven't wanted to actually take them out of the closet. You should see my room and bathroom, there are pictures of us all over still. I wear Jared's wedding band and just took mine off today. I thought it was about time. I have thought that I was letting go, but looking at the things that I have yet to do I guess I really haven't let go all that much. There are other things that I thought I had "taken care of" but today I had second thoughts on whether or not I really had. I still have lots more steps to take in this journey.....there are still lots of cracks in the armor that I've tried to put around me.

Renewal

I posted pictures of my flowers in the last post. The roses and the amaryllises (said with a lisp, because that is the only way to say that word!) :) have just blossomed this year. Last year, there were a few roses and about 3 amaryllis blossoms. This year they have just gone wild with blooms. I love them. It made me reflect a little on my life. At the risk of sounding very mushy and gushy, here goes.

After the flowers bloomed last year they then died on the surface, but the blubs were still buried in the ground, ready for the growth in the next season. I bloomed for a little while last spring after I got married. Then I felt like I died, but deep down there was still life. This spring the flowers came back with more blossoms, more beautiful, more vibrant. I couldn't help but think that that is the way I somewhat feel too. Part of me died, but that didn't mean that I had to shrivel up and completely die. I think of my trials as part of the pruning process. You have to trim back plants in order for them to keep producing fruit. I know that is what God does for us also. It would have taken me so long to learn what God is teaching me, if I hadn't had to go through this past year. Instead of going through that long process, God chose to cut me down and is slowly allowing me grow again. Not the path that I would have chosen, but I know that He knows what is best for me and I am extremely grateful that I have the master "Gardener" in control of the pruning! I hope I can be like the flowers in my yard, growing in amazing ways, bearing much fruit, all for the glory of God!

I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. John 15:1-2

But now, O Lord, Thou art our Father, we are the clay, and Thou art our Potter, and all of us are the work of Thy hand. Issaiah 64:8

Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, O God, tested us; You refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance. Psalm 66:8-12

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10

Hope

What a week....it has been that long since I last posted. Last week started out a little rough, I began to let my mind go where it shouldn't go, causing lots of turmoil in my mind. I really had to spend time praying that God would just help me capture my thoughts and keep my mind focused on Him. Guess what, that works! It didn't turn out to be as bad of a week as it could have been.

Friday, I had a friend of mine take me to the fabric store to help me pick out binding for my 9 year quilt project. We then went to my house where she showed me how to put the binding on. She was so patience with me and it was wonderful to have her help!
Below is a picture of it, I'm still working on hemming it, but it should be done this week!



Friday I went and spent money on flowers....I had lots of fun with that. I then spent Saturday planting them all. This is coming from the person who doesn't like dirt, but I put my whole soul into it, I had dirt everywhere! Here is the finished result, along with other pictures of the flowers that are perennials:







Saturday was also the "car care clinic" at church where a bunch of guys from church get together and change oil and look over cars for possible repairs. This is done for the widows and single moms, what a great ministry, and I appreciate it! I was told I was stubborn when I said that I wanted to buy my own filters, etc. and bring them up to them. What can I say, I come by it honestly, tell me something I don't already know! By the way, I didn't win that argument......however, I did get a chair massage while I was waiting. :)

Sunday would have been my first wedding anniversary. It was a good day, worked at church in the morning, my sister-in-law and I went shopping in the afternoon, then church again with "family night" afterward. The first family night was a success, we ran out of most of the food and I think people enjoyed it overall. I was so nervous that things weren't going to work out well, but they did, God had it in His hands.
Had a period of "emotions" that night when I got home, but it was brief. I can handle these kinds of memories much better when I remember how much easier Jared has it now in heaven. He has the weight of the world off of his shoulders! I can smile, God has been so faithful this past year. It is one more first off the list!

I was listening to a song today and really paying attention to the words, and it put into words what I have felt today:

You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes it's demands
you hold on as well as your able

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope.

It Might Be Hope by Sara Groves

I am very hesitant to say that things are great now that I have that one more first down, but there is a weight somewhat lifted off of my shoulders. I know that God has a plan for my future and it is giving me great hope!

The verse that was on my daily calender for May 2, it was a great reminder:

Come to Me, all you that are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Today's verse fit so well with what I was feeling today:

Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19

God's Word is so applicable, I love it!!