4 years ago

I just looked through my past May blog posts and I never have blogged about this day.  I mentioned it once but didn't really expound.  This was the day in 2009 that I married Jared.  It is hard to believe that it has been four years.  These kinds of days are still very much etched in my brain.  I can still remember vivid details about this day.  I've heard that a lot of people don't remember their wedding day and refer to it all as blur, but that isn't the case for me.  However, the one thing that has changed in past four years is that I don't dread these days.  I first remembered that this day was approaching this past Saturday.  I was on a mini road trip by myself and one of Carrie Underwood's songs, "Just a Dream" began to play on my iTunes, the chorus always takes me back to those early days after Jared went to heaven....

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Sometimes it does seem like it was all a dream, but I know it wasn't.  There are too many memories and "scars" (that isn't the right word, but it is all I can come up with tonight) for it to have been a dream. I have very conflicting thoughts when it comes to days like today.  I am so blessed and happy in my life now and I wouldn't change anything about it.  However, it is hard not to think about my other life on days like today.  Someone told me about a lady who recently lost her high school aged teenage son.  She said something along the lines of....

His days were numbered before he was born. 
God never planned for him to graduate from high school.
She was never going to see him get married.
He was never going to have children.
and God knew all of these things before he was born.

I can say things that are similar.  My life as Jared's wife was only going to be 10 weeks.  That was all God ordained for us.  We would never have children together.  We would never grow old together.  I think you get the point.  However, I still am thankful that I have this day to remember.  I wouldn't have wanted to have the alternative of never knowing Jared.  Also, God has been so good to me and I've learned so much about Him that I wouldn't ever trade it all.

I am also incredibly thankful that God allowed me get married again and Lord willing, we will have long life together, creating our own memories that we will be able to look back on............together.