Long Day

Today was a long day, complicated by lack of sleep this weekend. My sleeping patterns are a mess, I wish my sleep was more consistent. Can't be helped though, I have a hard time taking my problems and shoving them into a corner before I go to bed. I could leave them in God's hands but that would be too easy. :)

I did get to work with 1st grade girls this morning. I wasn't too keen on helping because of the long day I knew I had ahead of me, but I was glad I did. The girls were great, and I enjoyed seeing/helping the girls look up the Bible story in their Bibles. It was cool to see them taking turns reading the story and their eagerness to answer the questions. It made me smile.

Tomorrow marks 200 days. I haven't been counting, I have a counter on my computer that I happened to open up today. Time is flying by. Someone said once that there will come a time that you don't think about your loss every minute of every day. I didn't think that would ever happen. This weekend I realized that it does happen. I always picture the "widow" sign flashing above my head and that's how I am defined. What made me realize that I wasn't thinking about my loss every minute was me forgetting that I was a widow. I wonder how long that has been going on and I didn't realize it......but don't mistake that as forgetting Jared....not happening.

Poor people

I feel sorry for people that have to deal with me. It must be a daunting thing to have to talk to a "widow", especially if they haven't had to have contact with me since Jared passed away. I'm sure they don't have a clue as to how to handle it. They may think that if they mention it, I may lose it, and if they don't mention it, I could think of them as being rude. Poor people, it must be very uncomfortable. Don't feel badly, I've been there done that, and I still don't know how to handle talking to someone who has lost a love one.

I'll give you a little hint about what to do with me. Treat me like you would anyone else. I am still the same person that I was prior to losing Jared (by God's grace, hopefully a little more focused on Christ!), just a little more emotional, but even that is getting better!

Tomorrow will mark the sixth month anniversary of Jared leaving this earth. I smiled as I wrote that last sentence. It's amazing what God's grace and strength can do for a person! It should have been one of those bad weeks, but it wasn't. I had a great week.

I started working out again this week, I'm just not a fan of that, but it is good for me, right?! I'll start eating better again when my stove gets fixed.

Headed to my sister-in-law's birthday party tonight. Which also means I better get going, I've got things to do before I leave.......

Blogs/Stories

I did something this evening that I haven't done since the week or so after Jared died. I was on the computer searching for other people who have lost a spouse. I like to read other people's stories, it may be a comfort thing for me, knowing that I'm not the only one, but I don't know why I chose to do it tonight. I really didn't find too many blogs, but the ones that I did find ended up being kinda depressing. So many of them were written by people who didn't seem to have the hope of Christ in their life, that I am so grateful that I have. Some had spouses that passed away years ago, but you can tell by their posts that they are still having a difficult time. My heart just ached for them. I'm not saying that I won't ever be in their shoes, who knows, this journey is quite unpredictable. It made me stop and wonder, without God in my life, what would my story look like right now? Where would I be, would I be in major depression, would I even be functioning? I am so thankful that God saw fit to save me and be the Rock that I need to help me through this season of life.

I did come across a blog about someone who lost a baby. Reading her blog was so encouraging. The one song that she had playing in the background was "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. The chorus to that song is:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain.

I second what this song says, bring the rain if that's what it takes to bring glory to God. I know that by saying that, I'm asking for it, but I know that the Lord is my Shepherd and He is always with me. My dad used a verse from Job during Jared's service, Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" If life was easy, we would never realize that the arms of God, that carry us through struggles, are so incredibly strong!