I always thought I would keep up better on this blog, but it is difficult to find time to type out my thoughts. I have lots of them, but little time.
10 years ago today, Jared went to be with his Savior. His eternal home.
I have thought about this day for quite a while. So hard to believe it has been this long. The last two years, on what would have been my wedding anniversary, have been really hard. People say it gets easier, but I'm not sure it does. I still have moments that I get emotional, especially when I least expect it. I still have lots of memories that pop in my head on a weekly basis. I've told my kids about Jared and shown them pictures of him, because it is part of my life. My daughter will mention Mr. Jared randomly, especially when we talk about heaven. One ironic thing that happened about two years ago. We were heading to take the kids to Sea World. (Sea World with Jared is one of my favorite memories) I have a stuffed bear that was Jared's bear and that I have kept. My daughter, who honestly never plays with it, but plays with stuffed animals all the time, picked that bear to take with her in the car. My husband and I looked at each other with wide eyes. I have even taken them to the cemetery where he is buried because my daughter wanted to see it. I try to keep his memory alive, but in my own ways, because it is hard to balance my life now, with my life then. Thankfully, I have a very understanding husband.
Yesterday, I just kept thinking about today. Got emotional when my husband mentioned that he knew the day was coming. I feel a tug-of-war because the 15th is my now husband's birthday, and I don't want his day to be clouded by the 16th. However, I woke up this morning with Jeremiah 29:11 on my mind, Jared's verse. I focused on the last part, "to give you a future and a hope". Jared has been living his "future" for 10 years, and I am sure, enjoying every part of it. :) I am living the future that God intended for me on this earth and enjoying it too, although it has many trials and difficulties that heaven does not. God has a path for each one of us. I am so very glad that part of my life path crossed with an amazing man, Jared. I haven't even come close to forgetting him in the past 10 years and I don't ever intend to. He was a rare jewel and I can guess that those who knew him would say the same thing.
This is rambling, but that is all I have time for right now. I did not want this day to go by without a mention.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Our lives
My first thought has been mulling around in my head since before Mother's Day. I'm just going to say that I struggle with that day in general. Is it nice that we take a day to honor our mothers? Yes, it is, BUT, I can't say that I enjoy the day. It seems lately, that God has put some women in my life who are unable to have children, have had miscarriages or babies they have lost. I will admit, when the pastor of our church told all the women (not just moms) to stand up so he could pray for all us, I cried for the women I knew who hurt on this day. I don't know why God chose me to be a mom, there are so many women who would do it better than I do, but He did. I am thankful for that, but it doesn't diminish how I hurt for other women. So, next year as you are celebrating a mom, remember those ladies whom God has seen fit to be single or married with no children, and pray that He will give them peace and joy as they seek His will for them in the path He has chosen for them.
Next. Speaking of children. Update on Miss E. She is now 2.5 years old. She is the spitting image of her dad and acts like him also. I already see the engineering brain coming out and her memory is uncanny. If you tell her something, you better follow through because she will remind you. We have to keep her occupied, she does not like to be bored. I think reading books is her favorite pastime. She grabs her tool box and likes to "help" dad with the shed that he is building, however she takes very good care of her dolls and stuffed animals. Those things are finally receiving names, instead of dog, kitty, baby, etc. We bought a piano recently for me, (it's so nice) and she puts on her tutu/ruffled skirt and dances while I play. She did get two things from me......a short temper and I learned last night, while spending time with some friends, how bossy she can be to other kids. Yikes. She is a joy to us and keeps us very busy.
Mr. E is extremely busy at work. You would think that with oil prices not being the greatest that things would slow down, but it is just the opposite. His boss has a lot of confidence in him, so he is put on many projects and committees to figure out different problems. The better the worker, the more work you get! The man never stops and is also taking on lots of projects at home. He's such a great guy, taking care of "his girls" well.
I am still just trying to keep up with both Mr. E and Miss E. Between the two of them I never have a dull moment. Life is about to change again with the addition of new little one, so I am gearing up for that change. Otherwise, things don't change much for me.
We found a church that we have been able to plug into. It is a smaller church and I am enjoying it. I had forgotten how nice it is to really know the people that you go to church with. It has been such a blessing to have like minded people in our lives who have been helping to sharpen us spiritually. It has felt like being part of a true church family again.
There is a mini update on us, it is time to really begin the day.
Next. Speaking of children. Update on Miss E. She is now 2.5 years old. She is the spitting image of her dad and acts like him also. I already see the engineering brain coming out and her memory is uncanny. If you tell her something, you better follow through because she will remind you. We have to keep her occupied, she does not like to be bored. I think reading books is her favorite pastime. She grabs her tool box and likes to "help" dad with the shed that he is building, however she takes very good care of her dolls and stuffed animals. Those things are finally receiving names, instead of dog, kitty, baby, etc. We bought a piano recently for me, (it's so nice) and she puts on her tutu/ruffled skirt and dances while I play. She did get two things from me......a short temper and I learned last night, while spending time with some friends, how bossy she can be to other kids. Yikes. She is a joy to us and keeps us very busy.
Mr. E is extremely busy at work. You would think that with oil prices not being the greatest that things would slow down, but it is just the opposite. His boss has a lot of confidence in him, so he is put on many projects and committees to figure out different problems. The better the worker, the more work you get! The man never stops and is also taking on lots of projects at home. He's such a great guy, taking care of "his girls" well.
I am still just trying to keep up with both Mr. E and Miss E. Between the two of them I never have a dull moment. Life is about to change again with the addition of new little one, so I am gearing up for that change. Otherwise, things don't change much for me.
We found a church that we have been able to plug into. It is a smaller church and I am enjoying it. I had forgotten how nice it is to really know the people that you go to church with. It has been such a blessing to have like minded people in our lives who have been helping to sharpen us spiritually. It has felt like being part of a true church family again.
There is a mini update on us, it is time to really begin the day.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
It is Well
I'll begin by saying last year was a tough one for me. I can't
necessarily put my finger on it, but I know that spiritually, it was a
desert season for me. There were lots of personal changes too. Moving
again, thankfully only a few blocks from our rental home, total remodel
of the purchased home, adjusting to life with a two year old. (I think
as they grow, it is a constant adjustment!) Some traveling thrown in
there, medical issues with some family members, changing churches, and
altogether too many changes and too much chaos for someone who likes
order and everything going to HER plan.
Late in the year, I finally realized that instead of focusing on everything happening around me, I should be focusing on the Lord. I know, duh, but I'm not a quick learner. At the beginning of this year, the Lord reminded me of one of my favorites hymns. It is Well with My Soul. I have been listening to the Tyler Dodds, Songs for the Church, version of it for the past couple of weeks, non-stop. (You can find it on ITunes.) It has really helped me focus, understanding that no matter what is going on around me, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul. Nothing else matters. I get so caught up in fixing, what I deem is an issue or a problem, that I sometimes miss what the Lord may be trying to teach me or show me, in the refining process of making me more like Him. I expect obedience and submission from my daughter, and He expects it from me also. I'm no different than a child, because that's who I am, His child.
I am going to try to keep this phrase in the forefront of my mind throughout this year. I know for certain that it will be a crazy one again, it's already proven to be one! :)
Late in the year, I finally realized that instead of focusing on everything happening around me, I should be focusing on the Lord. I know, duh, but I'm not a quick learner. At the beginning of this year, the Lord reminded me of one of my favorites hymns. It is Well with My Soul. I have been listening to the Tyler Dodds, Songs for the Church, version of it for the past couple of weeks, non-stop. (You can find it on ITunes.) It has really helped me focus, understanding that no matter what is going on around me, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul. Nothing else matters. I get so caught up in fixing, what I deem is an issue or a problem, that I sometimes miss what the Lord may be trying to teach me or show me, in the refining process of making me more like Him. I expect obedience and submission from my daughter, and He expects it from me also. I'm no different than a child, because that's who I am, His child.
I am going to try to keep this phrase in the forefront of my mind throughout this year. I know for certain that it will be a crazy one again, it's already proven to be one! :)
Monday, February 2, 2015
On my mind
The subject on my mind lately has been the topic of divorce. This is because I found out recently about a couple that I know, who are now "separated". I will admit, I am still upset about it. This couple had a great story, one that centered around God, the basis of their relationship. I am just going to get on my soapbox for a minute or two. To be honest, I'm really sick of hearing about the Christ followers who get divorced. I don't like divorce in general, but from people who do not know the Lord, it is understandable, they do not know the Lord or His word. DISCLAIMER! Before I really get myself into trouble, I also understand that there are cases of abuse and other circumstances, but I am not talking about those kinds. I am talking about two people who are both living (or say they are) for the Lord and for petty reasons like "I just don't want to be married anymore" or "he or she needs to change before we can reconcile" (or in other words, conform to the person that I want them to be), "we've just grown apart", etc. Do people not take their vows seriously?! I will admit, when I said my vows at my first marriage, I did not truly think about what I was saying. I got to put those vows into practice quickly, in sickness and health, until death do us part. When I said my vows the second time, I knew what I was saying, it was much more of a solemn time for me. Having a better understanding the second time did not change what I said the first time, they were still vows, promises that I made before God.
In my Bible reading this morning I read the following verses:
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:8-10
Christ followers have been taken captive by this "empty deceit" that divorce is fine. What they are forgetting is that they have been filled with Christ and that should make them different. Striving to uphold the Word of God in all that they do. Marriage will never be perfect because two sinners are involved, but if both of those sinner's eyes are focused on the Lord and not their own selfish desires, it is a whole lot easier.
Thanks for letting me vent for a moment. Hopefully I have not offended people too badly!
In my Bible reading this morning I read the following verses:
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. Colossians 2:8-10
Christ followers have been taken captive by this "empty deceit" that divorce is fine. What they are forgetting is that they have been filled with Christ and that should make them different. Striving to uphold the Word of God in all that they do. Marriage will never be perfect because two sinners are involved, but if both of those sinner's eyes are focused on the Lord and not their own selfish desires, it is a whole lot easier.
Thanks for letting me vent for a moment. Hopefully I have not offended people too badly!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Loving Life
Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be
careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7
Our family has had to remind ourselves of those verses quite frequently in the past few months. We've had to seek the Lord for some major decisions and God certainly gives peace that surpasses understanding when you follow the steps and paths that He has for you.
Lots of things have changed. We now have a 14 month old, which is so hard to fathom, where has time gone?! Miss E is doing well, she is beginning to talk or use sign language for communication and is walking everywhere. People frequently ask us how old she is because they don't expect someone so small to be walking. She only weighs about 17.5 lbs and is just now beginning to wear size 12 month clothes. She loves all the animal mounts that we have in the house and gets excited when the Outdoor Channel is on or when she sees animals. I think she may be a bit of a tomboy. On the other hand, she has a necklace that she loves to wear around the house. All you have to do is tell her that she is pretty and she beams. Her favorite thing is food and eats so much! I'm still trying to figure out where she puts it all. She is still a fairly serious girl, but smiles and laughs a lot more than she used to.
Over 6 months ago Mr. E was approached by another company with a job offer. Our initial reaction was that we were not going to take it because it involved a move. Well, after much prayer and consideration, we felt that God wanted us to accept the new position. As much as neither one of us wanted to leave where we were living, we are now so happy we did. We are enjoying our new residence and looking forward to the plans that God has for us here. Jer. 29:11
This has been the year of having to lean on the Lord, especially with all the changes. I love it when I can see the reasons that God does things or doesn't do things in our lives. Things that we were planning on pursuing were either shut down or never got to take off like we wanted and we can now see why. I'm so glad that I am not in charge of my life, I would certainly make a huge mess of it, if I got to make the decisions that I wanted to make. I know that God won't always tell us the "why" and sometimes we just have to trust, but this year, He did show us some of the reasons. We are always thankful for God's grace, provision and guidance. He certainly knows what is best!
Our family has had to remind ourselves of those verses quite frequently in the past few months. We've had to seek the Lord for some major decisions and God certainly gives peace that surpasses understanding when you follow the steps and paths that He has for you.
Lots of things have changed. We now have a 14 month old, which is so hard to fathom, where has time gone?! Miss E is doing well, she is beginning to talk or use sign language for communication and is walking everywhere. People frequently ask us how old she is because they don't expect someone so small to be walking. She only weighs about 17.5 lbs and is just now beginning to wear size 12 month clothes. She loves all the animal mounts that we have in the house and gets excited when the Outdoor Channel is on or when she sees animals. I think she may be a bit of a tomboy. On the other hand, she has a necklace that she loves to wear around the house. All you have to do is tell her that she is pretty and she beams. Her favorite thing is food and eats so much! I'm still trying to figure out where she puts it all. She is still a fairly serious girl, but smiles and laughs a lot more than she used to.
Over 6 months ago Mr. E was approached by another company with a job offer. Our initial reaction was that we were not going to take it because it involved a move. Well, after much prayer and consideration, we felt that God wanted us to accept the new position. As much as neither one of us wanted to leave where we were living, we are now so happy we did. We are enjoying our new residence and looking forward to the plans that God has for us here. Jer. 29:11
This has been the year of having to lean on the Lord, especially with all the changes. I love it when I can see the reasons that God does things or doesn't do things in our lives. Things that we were planning on pursuing were either shut down or never got to take off like we wanted and we can now see why. I'm so glad that I am not in charge of my life, I would certainly make a huge mess of it, if I got to make the decisions that I wanted to make. I know that God won't always tell us the "why" and sometimes we just have to trust, but this year, He did show us some of the reasons. We are always thankful for God's grace, provision and guidance. He certainly knows what is best!
Monday, July 14, 2014
Misconception/5 years
I have had this post on my mind for quite a while, about 3 months now. I am always hesitant to write about the thoughts that go through my head about my first husband and what it is like as a wife again with those memories. I am afraid that people will get the wrong impression about my now husband and our lives together, possibly thinking that because I still have those first memories that our relationship/marriage is diminished/tainted. Just so you know, that is so very far from the truth. Our church did a series a while back on "Scars, not in vain" and that series is primarily the reason why I decided to write this post.
On the first week of the series, one of our pastors told the story of his "scar", the loss of his brother to suicide about eight years ago. As I watched him tell his story, I was filled with so much emotion. It felt like my "scar" was being ripped open.....again. He then proceeded to tell about how he has continued to wrestle with God about the whys, how much God has taught him and how he still has so many memories, which is what stuck with me the most. I think one misconception that people may have is, just because I have "moved on" with my life, doesn't mean that I still don't have memories and emotional moments in my life.
Every year, the months of May, June and July bring back a flood of memories. May is the month we got married and on the last day of that month, he was admitted into the hospital. June was a month of many downs, the month we were told that what Jared had was pretty much incurable, unless the Lord intervened. July, of course, was the month he went to be with the Lord. I am grateful for the people who still remember these times with me. There is one person in mind who acknowledges my first wedding day every year. It means a lot to me that I'm not the only one who remembers (outside of my family). Although these months can still be emotional to this day, the alternative is much worse, never having the memories at all.
One of the hardest things that I've had to deal with over the past five years is having all my memories and not being able to share them with someone. For example, you know how you talk about your wedding day with your spouse or the funny things that have happened to you and you reminisce about things that have done together? The things that are just between the two of you? Yeah, all those memories are just mine and only mine. I was reminded of one of the memories recently and I laughed about it and then realized that no one else would get the humor of that situation, you had to have been there.
If I really stop and think about Jared, it amazes me how much my memory of him has not faded. I can still picture distinct things about him, the way he walked, talked and primarily the way he moved his hands. That may sound odd and I can't describe why that is distinctive to me, but its true. Different things still trigger memories, anytime I watch tennis I'm reminded of how he tried to teach me (I didn't learn very well); skiing, I've only ever been skiing with him; when I walk past the area where he served on Sundays at church I remember meeting him there after church was over; every time I go into town, I drive past the cemetery. Some may think that would trigger a bad memory, but it doesn't, because he is not there, his earthly body may be buried there, but that is it. However, it does not stop me from remembering. I still cherish all my memories, because that is a part of my life that will never go away, it is a part of me, the story that God wrote for my life. I will forever be the only wife that Jared had, that's pretty special and a great honor. :)
Recently, I woman that I know, lost her son-in-law in a car accident. Her daughter is now walking the journey of widowhood at the age of 29. When I received the news, my heart broke for her and I cried for her....a lot! I replayed those first few days that I went through, five years ago, in my head. One of the things I remembered was that although my heart was torn apart, I had the Great Physician by my side, who I knew was going to take my brokenness and turn it into something good, if not great. It took a while, but it happened and will continue to happen in my life. It was a journey that I had a lot of help with, but also a journey that was mostly spent with just the Lord and me. A journey that I will never forget.
On the first week of the series, one of our pastors told the story of his "scar", the loss of his brother to suicide about eight years ago. As I watched him tell his story, I was filled with so much emotion. It felt like my "scar" was being ripped open.....again. He then proceeded to tell about how he has continued to wrestle with God about the whys, how much God has taught him and how he still has so many memories, which is what stuck with me the most. I think one misconception that people may have is, just because I have "moved on" with my life, doesn't mean that I still don't have memories and emotional moments in my life.
Every year, the months of May, June and July bring back a flood of memories. May is the month we got married and on the last day of that month, he was admitted into the hospital. June was a month of many downs, the month we were told that what Jared had was pretty much incurable, unless the Lord intervened. July, of course, was the month he went to be with the Lord. I am grateful for the people who still remember these times with me. There is one person in mind who acknowledges my first wedding day every year. It means a lot to me that I'm not the only one who remembers (outside of my family). Although these months can still be emotional to this day, the alternative is much worse, never having the memories at all.
One of the hardest things that I've had to deal with over the past five years is having all my memories and not being able to share them with someone. For example, you know how you talk about your wedding day with your spouse or the funny things that have happened to you and you reminisce about things that have done together? The things that are just between the two of you? Yeah, all those memories are just mine and only mine. I was reminded of one of the memories recently and I laughed about it and then realized that no one else would get the humor of that situation, you had to have been there.
If I really stop and think about Jared, it amazes me how much my memory of him has not faded. I can still picture distinct things about him, the way he walked, talked and primarily the way he moved his hands. That may sound odd and I can't describe why that is distinctive to me, but its true. Different things still trigger memories, anytime I watch tennis I'm reminded of how he tried to teach me (I didn't learn very well); skiing, I've only ever been skiing with him; when I walk past the area where he served on Sundays at church I remember meeting him there after church was over; every time I go into town, I drive past the cemetery. Some may think that would trigger a bad memory, but it doesn't, because he is not there, his earthly body may be buried there, but that is it. However, it does not stop me from remembering. I still cherish all my memories, because that is a part of my life that will never go away, it is a part of me, the story that God wrote for my life. I will forever be the only wife that Jared had, that's pretty special and a great honor. :)
Recently, I woman that I know, lost her son-in-law in a car accident. Her daughter is now walking the journey of widowhood at the age of 29. When I received the news, my heart broke for her and I cried for her....a lot! I replayed those first few days that I went through, five years ago, in my head. One of the things I remembered was that although my heart was torn apart, I had the Great Physician by my side, who I knew was going to take my brokenness and turn it into something good, if not great. It took a while, but it happened and will continue to happen in my life. It was a journey that I had a lot of help with, but also a journey that was mostly spent with just the Lord and me. A journey that I will never forget.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
7 months old
I know that I don't post many pictures of Miss E, so I thought I would do a quick update. These pictures were taken recently, around her seven month birth date.
She is now sitting up on her own and crawling. YAY! I know you may not think that is a good thing, but she doesn't get as bored now that she is more mobile. She loves food, when we get her bowl out, she gets excited. She picked up on how to clap this week and all you have to say is "clap, clap" and she begins to clap. It makes us laugh. She is so much fun!
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| It took forever to get this smile! |
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| She sucks in her bottom lip all the time. |
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| This is her normal look. She has to analyze things before she shows any expression. |
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